Has it really been that long?

What makes me laugh as I am typing this particular blog post, is thinking about my title "The Committed Mom".  How ironic is it that my last post was quite a long time ago? What does that say about my commitment? What does that say about me?  I joke, but I am also secretly embarrassed. This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a 1 day simulcast conference in Detroit for my new business (YEA ME- I HAVE A NEW BUSINESS, I'll save that for another blog).  While I was there I had the joy and privilege of listening to a woman speak, who is lovingly referred to as "Coach Dar". She was amazing and she spoke directly to my heart and soul.  I can honestly say there are changes  taking place in me right now, that were spurred on because she took the time to share her passion and her heart.  I don't doubt for one moment that God organized this entire conference just so I would hear her words. (Ok maybe the conference was actually for the business, but I shall cling to the idea that it was just for me).  Coach Dar helped me realize some things about myself that I want to change, that I have wanted to change so desperately for so long- but have lacked the ability, passion and drive to do so. Coach Dar spoke truth in love and simply lifted the blinders off my eyes about how I see myself and where I see myself going.

This business that I am currently involved in, has blessed me with an incredibly positive mentor/director (or soon to be director). She is always on me about my goals and what do I want to do with them? Where do I see myself in my business? Let me tell you a little secret about me- the word GOALS scares me to death! It conjures up feelings and emotions that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe I fear the word because I am excellent at starting something, I get inspired, have great ideas and motivations- I am a truly excellent sprinter in the beginning! However, I can not run the entire race. I lose interest, I get distracted, I become self-defeated, I say I can't do this anymore it's too hard, I don't like it or  I don't really want it that bad.  I don't want to be a really excellent sprinter anymore. It's unsatisfying and it leaves me feeling bad about myself.  I haven't truly accomplished anything.  For crying out loud I was even determined to do a Couch to 5K and rallied people to do the Color Run with me before I turned 40. I said I am gonna do this, join me- and they did! Guess what- I didn't! I made excuses and backed out. Sadly, this added to my fuel of not setting goals- because now I was disappointing lots of people. People who were supporting me, people who rallied behind me. I wasn't just letting me down anymore and so I ran away and hid. I hid from things that called me and challenged me. I avoided things I knew God was calling me to do, I avoided being a fool and disappoint by not doing anything. To get right to the point, the word Goals makes me feel like a failure before I even start.

So there it is, Goals = Failure to me, until Coach Dar! I share this with you, in case there is anyone else out there who struggles with the word GOALS.  May her words inspire you, like they inspired me!
*2015 won't be a New Year, unless there is a new you
*If your life was to end tomorrow, would you be happy with how people remembered you?
*Are you a person of excellence? Do you live and act as a truly excellent human being?
In the playbook of greatness- these are the top 5 plays!
1. Successful people have a core purpose- they reach their goals because they have a WHY. What is your life's mission statement? What is your purpose for your goals?  If your goals are not based on your core values and beliefs, then you will fail!
2. Raise the Bar- Be an exceptional person- Ask yourself constantly- is this how a person of excellence acts? Is this what they do? Is this how they speak?
3. Commit to the Grind- do the mundane, be intentional. Successful people are different from Unsuccessful people because they do the things the Unsuccessful people don't want to do.
4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Push past your comfort zone, grow those muscles! Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is facing it head on!
5. Surround yourself with those who will push you, challenge you and make you a better person.  Pick your fab 5- choose wisely.

Now, to be completely fair- I can not give Coach Dar all the credit, because honestly God has been whispering to my heart for the past few months now. The word UNCOMFORTABLE has become a part of my everyday life....my whole life has been very uncomfortable, again I'll save that for another blog entry!  But here is what I want, deep in my heart, I want to be a truly excellent marathon runner! I want to be a woman of excellence. I want to be a woman of integrity.  I want to be a woman who encourages and models that for her daughters. I want my 2015 to be a new year and I want to be a new me!  If my life ended tomorrow, I want people to say she gave her all to be a woman of excellence.  I have finally realized my WHYS for my goals were always wrong- this time I think I have it right.  My goals- no matter what area of my life- simply boil down to one WHY!
***I want my life to glorify the Lord, in word and in deed.*** I want to exemplify Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

So now I am raising the bar! In fact I even walked back half an aisle at the grocery store to put back a bag of Doritos, rather than leave them on a random shelf after deciding I didn't want them. I walked my grocery cart back to the cart coral, rather than leave it for someone else to collect. Are these big changes? Not necessarily, but I asked myself "Would a person of excellence do this? How would a true follower of Christ act?  These task they were small, they were mundane, they were the grind and  it is definitely doing something that other people don't want to do- I didn't want to do. But I did it, it was outside of my comfort zone- and these small acts will inspire bigger acts. I know I won't do it all the time, and I will forgive myself when I don't but I will push forward because this time, this year I am focused more on my WHY. With my Why I am less likely to lose interest because it's about HIM not me. I am more likely to be more confident- because I will be looking to Him to encourage me and guide me. When I want to say I give up, its too hard- He is there to remind me I don't have to do anything- He can do it through me.  His words will never leave me feeling bad about myself  or leave me unsatisfying. And as for surrounding myself with my Fab 5 and people to encourage me- He has supplied me with a generous amount of people to choose from!

I am blessed and honored to be able to blog again,  I only hope that I can encourage someone the way that I have been encouraged. I have really missed blogging and I am glad that I am re-committing myself to do. I look expectantly to what 2015 will bring, because I already know 2015 is going to be a new year, because God has already changed me into a new me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6J7L6RP6Lc

The Shortest Things Can Make You Cry

It was an ordinary day, nothing bad- nothing particularly special- it was just a day.

Even my kids were ok.  No major crises or meltdowns today. No drama for this momma.

I was sitting at a fast food drive thru waiting to pay for my food when I decided to check Facebook.
Nothing out of the ordinary, I do it habitually without thinking a million times a day.  Don't know why I do it- but it was not unusual for me to do it.

And there it was...

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me- had no freakin idea what they were talking about.  That is simply one of the biggest lies ever said on the face of the planet, throughout history spoken words have left incredibly painful scars in many people. Words from childhood teasing and taunts, words of abuse from loved ones, words of jealousy from haters, words of anger, words of frustration...painful, painful stab wounds left on our hearts from WORDS.

These words, however, were not spoken words-these were written words. Granted they were someone's thoughts, said in their head and typed onto a screen, but they were given a voice as I read them and felt them. It was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so that I could not breath.

What is ironic about the words that I read is that they were someone else's praise! In their life this person, who is so close to my heart, is going through something so incredible, so life changing and so beautiful they wanted to share with the whole Facebook world. Why wouldn't you want to share your blessing with world- who wouldn't be happy for you in times of joy?

I can honestly say that any other time this person shared their praise with me I was overjoyed and delighted for them.  This is not their first trip down this road, but it is still exciting to be apart of it with them. But this night, this ordinary night-my heart did not rejoice. One sentence, flipped my ordinary night upside down:

"And so it starts...I feel movement, this is fantastic!" 

Tears...jealousy...anger...hurt....tears, tears, tears....lots and lots of tears.

At this stage in my life, I do not know what it feels like to carry a child in my womb.  I don't understand what it feels like to be sitting there and all of the sudden feel movement within my body. I don't know what the little fluttering feeling is, I only know of what other's have shared.  I can imagine there is no other feeling comparable in the world.

My favorite story of Jesus birth, is when Mary goes to see her cousin Elizabeth.  Mary has not yet told Elizabeth she is expecting, but as she nears Elizabeth- the baby that is in Elizabeth's womb leaps for joy! It makes my heart smile to imagine this- just like it makes my heart smile to hear the people I love experience this too. What a precious, precious blessing  to receive and yet I don't know if I will ever personally experience this sacred blessing.

So when the person close to my heart shared their excitement this time, rather than rejoice in it- without being able to control it- my heart reacted a different way.

First came the tears...instantly....I didn't have time to think or process the tears just came- hot and fast.
It caught me so off guard, that I then questioned "Why am I crying? How selfish of me!"  but as soon as I thought it I heard my Father say "Don't keep it from me, tell me....I already know"  I realized I was trying to control it, I was trying to PRETEND- to make myself feel bad for feeling what I felt.  God wanted me to be real....so I gave it to Him out loud, through the sobbing and tears

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"WHY CAN'T I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?"
"I WANT TO KNOW THAT FEELING"
"I WANT TO EXPERIENCE A CHILD IN MY WOMB!"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME LORD?"

As soon as I released the words, a peace came over my heart. Suddenly releasing them out loud to God, freed me from the internal voices that can sometimes be deceitful and lie to you. I should have prefaced this by saying that this wasn't the first time God and I have had this talk and I am confident in saying it will not be the last.  Many of times I thought I had my act together and I had accepted the possibility of me not having children, many times I felt it's ok- I have two terrific kids and I should be happy with what I have.  But then something happens and I become this hot mess and feel like I am back at step one all over again.

Here is what I have learned from my many wrestlings with God:
1. I am deeply and passionately loved by the Creator of the Universe, for God so loved the world that He sent His only SON to die on the cross for my sins, so that I might have eternal life. (John 3:16)  Which means He wants to be with me!  Because I believe this I know.
2. That I am a child of God. I am the daughter of a King, Heir to His throne.(Romans 8) because I am the daughter of a King, there are blessings and riches waiting for me- far beyond what I can ever imagine here on Earth. My Father desires to lavish me with his blessing- He wants me to share in His glory!  As I sit here I think about my own children and what I wouldn't do for them or what I wouldn't sacrifice and give up for their happiness...and if I being Human desire to give good and do good for my kids- how much more does God have for me and desire good for me?  And because I believe this I know...
3. I know that He desires the best for my life Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, :"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope." So because I have faith and believe this than I know that a God who loves me so much, died for my sins- paid for my mistakes, who has crowns and riches waiting for me, who has desires to do good for me- Why, why would He keep a baby from my womb just to hurt me? Truth: He wouldn't.

My father knows me intimately, He created me and knows everything about me.  There is no where I can go to get away from Him (Psalm 139) No thought can I have that He doesn't already know.  He knows my deep desire to conceive a child in my womb. He knows how badly I want to experience what Elizabeth did and what the person I love did.  He knows the longing, the aching, the tears.  Because He knows- this is where my faith must come in more, because He knows and does not allow it to happen I need to trust that it is not happening for a reason. I need to trust in His truth and promises to give me hope and a future.

I  trust that if I am not going to be sharing in this joy, that there is a reason why.  I may never know why this side of heaven, do I WANT to know why? Abso-freakin-lutely!  Do I NEED to know why? No, because my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts.  He knows better than I for my life- He knows the outcome and what is to become of me.  I trust Him, I may not like it or agree or ever understand- but I trust Him. I trust that He is walking with Kevin and I as we deal with this ache in our hearts, that with each situation that brings us to our knees- He understands our pain, He will carry us through and strengthen our faith.

So the words in that one sentence broke my heart-but His words restored my heart and well I just had to blog about that!

**TO THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE SENTENCE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS- I LOVE YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE MY JEALOUSY AND KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART I AM TRULY EXCITED AND JOYFUL OVER YOUR BLESSING! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE DAY YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY COMES INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN LAVISH IT WITH LOVE! THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE APART OF YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SHARING YOUR BLESSINGS WITH ME**