The "Committed" Mom?

I am blessed to be the mom of three wonderfully amazing children I call Brent, Lottie and Kenzie. But honestly, there are days when I am committed and days when I need to be committed! So here's where this little blog comes refuge- my opportunity to share with all who care, the joys of being a "Committed" Mom!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

No your roll? Know you're roll? No your role? Know your role

I have begun a new journey in my life, a new role has been added to my resume- I am now an official FULL TIME DOMESTIC ENGINEER!  Thank you to the wonderful hard working husband I have, who has made it possible for me to be here with my family.  When I started tossing the idea around for the 1,000,000,000,000,000 time last year, I knew I had to pray about it because my first instinct to leave was not necessarily based on positive things that were happening at that particular time in my life.  I knew I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it was something Kevin and I had spoken about many, many times before.  I had to make sure I wasn't just running away from my problems. So I started asking "God, I really really want to stay at home next year, but financially I can not be irresponsible for my family, what is it you want me to do?"  and "Lord, help me realize this is your will and not mine"  I am pleased to say I listened and I heard....not once, but many times in many ways.
One of the boldest and strongest ways he spoke to me was through the thoughts of dreaming big for Him, I heard this message when I took some of our senior high girls to a christian girl's conference called ReVolve-the title of the conference was Dream On.  Then I attended a Women of Faith conference with the ladies from my church and the conference title was Imagine. So I began to dream and imagine BIG IDEAS for God.
In case you don't know me well, let me tell you one thing about me that is my strength and my weakness- I am great at getting ideas and feeling excited and sharing them with everyone who will listen, however the weakness is that I fail to follow through all the time.  I am afraid to commit (kind of ironic) to a plan all the way in fear that I might fail or I might not know what I am doing, so I will drop it!  I am confessing to the 4 people who read this blog, that I, Nina Smith am horrible at follow through! 
Imagine then, that here I am all pumped up for God with all these ideas running through my head about what I can do for God if I stay home.  And I am available now, so God can use me in soooo many different areas to help and organize and do things for the church and it's members.  I had a great burden to help do a mission outreach to Brand Whitlock tenants, but then overwhelmed myself so much with my big dreams that I cut myself off at the knees and have been frozen ever since.  Have you ever had that feeling?  Passionate and on fire one minute, but then you get too close and you turn down the fire?  I did and I have and now I am wondering "Lord, what is my role?"  "Where do you want me Lord?" and He says "Here, Listen"
"Ok Lord I am listening, speak now, tell me Lord, I really wanna know"
"Lord I listen, I am here and ready to go, got things to do, so tell me Lord!"
"Lord, I've got a lot I can do around my house to get it in order- do you want me to do something there?"
"Lord, I am free, do you want me to make myself available to one of the elderly women at our church to help take her out and drive her around to appointments and erands?
"Lord, I can take in a few kids into my home while I am waiting for you to tell me what my new role is, is that ok with you?"
"Lord, I can really work on building up my ministry and working on the churches websites"
"Lord, I can organize more events and do more things for the church, with this extra time that I have"
"Lord, I can...." (Get the picture)
I am in a new role, and I am out of my old role.  I was Mrs. Smith the teacher, sharing the love of God with my students.  That's what I went to college for, that's what I thought I wanted to do with my entire working career. I thought that was my purpose in life.  But the desire is changed, the heart is in limbo wondering if that wasn't it, what is it? Where do I fit in now? I don't want to fall into habits that are dull and tedious, I want passion for life when I  wake up everyday I wanna be exciteded to be doing the Lord's work....but honestly... I am not there yet.  I am in the land of in between and I can't say that I like it..happy I am not where I was but not happy because I am not where I want to be. So the Lord says "Listen" not DO or GO....but just be here and listen" Speak Lord, your servant is listening (and putting a muzzle over her mouth now)
Job 40: 3-5 Job answered:  "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me.  I should never have opened my mouth!
I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."