The End of an Era...part two

So I got a few private responses regarding my last blog, and I truly appreciate the encouragement and the advice.  However, I did have more to say about the topic- I was just trying to break it up.  I had to build suspense see- make you want to read more...lol!
Once upon a time I was a youth group leader to Jr. and Sr. High students, a wonderful time in my young adult life I might add!  Anyway one of the young women in my group struggled with having a deep connection with girls her age and felt very empty without a BFF.  I remember thinking at the time, how sad to be her age and not have at least 1 BFF she could confide in and share her heart with.  It was foreign to me, I can honestly say growing up I had always had at least one best friend.  But when I found myself without one last May, her heartache really hit me and I finally understood it.  I started talking to God and saying "Lord, who am I gonna talk to about some of my deep heart issues now?  Who will be there for me when I need to unload my struggles with being a mom and wife?"   Now, at this point I began to mourn the loss of my friendship deeply.  But God is mysterious in how He works and gets His point across to me.  I began to hear Him ask me "What do you miss about her?" Well I miss that we were different and yet still had a connection and He said "Don't you have that with your other friends." Hmmm.... I miss that she knew deep things about me and still loved and respected me. "What about your women's group and the connections you have made there?"   I loved that she was there when I felt like I needed to blow up and let off some steam. "Don't you still have women in your life who do that?"  I loved that we would do things together and hang out. "You don't now?"  I loved that she was honest and would tell me like it is.  "Nina, I think you might agree that the women in your life tell you like it is now.....only maybe they do it in a way that is more encouraging and positive! Can you not turn to the multiple women in your life now at any given time and they will be there for you?  Don't the women in your life love you unconditionally now?  Aren't they sticking it out with you? And Nina...."  Yes God...."If none of them were around....would I be enough for you? Would you trust me and allow me to fill the void for her?"
God is soooooooooooooooooo amazing!  He began to show me how I didn't need 1 BFF, because He has blessed me with different women for different reasons and seasons in my life.  Just like my husband is the most important thing under God, Kevin is not my all in all.  Each person in my life contributes something of value, something of purpose, something of love!  I can not make one friend my all in all, when I have so many He has blessed me with.  Healthy friendships with amazing women!
I began to realize, it wasn't me.  The friendship ending wasn't about me- it was about her and it was her issues.  I can only take responsibility for my share of the relationship and I evaluate where I can improve in the friend department!  A good friend was worried I was really trying to rate myself on the friendship scale, but honestly none of us is perfect- all of us fall short and that is why we need Jesus!  I will never be a perfect friend and I will never find a perfect friend, but I can try to be the best that I can!  I can take responsibility for things I do and say wrong, I can be more considerate and try to think more of others and  less of my own problems.  I can reach out more and take initiative more! I can eliminate expectations and judgement and love deeper! I realize I am blessed to know some pretty amazing women and I need to be thankful for that- because not everyone has that or finds that!  God, thank you for the gift of women friends and I thank you for the heartache I had to go through to realize I had way more than I ever realized!  Thank you for creating them differently and uniquely and bringing each one into my life at just the right time.  Help me to be a better friend, a better example of you.  Help me to love without holding back and to trust more deeply!  This is the end of an era...but the start of an even greater one!

The End of an Era...part one

What is the definition of a good friend to you?  If we asked your friends what would they say? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most amazing friend ever- would you be a 10?  Are you perfect? I am struggling once again with an issue that is now a year and a half old and I am thinking to myself; really Lord can't I be done with this already?  The issue is friendship and just how good a friend have I been in the past and how good of a friend am I now? So here is my quick response: When looking at my past I sucked as a friend..on a scale of 1 to 10 I was a solid 4 maybe a 5 from time to time, but definitely not even in the 10 ballpark. I would say now as a friend I am a pretty good 7 and slide into a comfortable 8 more often than not. (Still not a 9 or 10...so for those of you friends reading if you feel cheated- now's your chance to run!)
In May of 2010, my best friend of 20 years ended our relationship.  And like a marriage, I was devastated beyond words and even today, thus the reason for today's blog, I am affected by its aftermath.  I feel I can compare it to marriage because I imagine this is what the end of a marriage would feel like (minus the physical intimacy part of course).  This is the 1 person I trusted with my heart and soul the longest, the one who knew all the good-bad- and ugly about me and still loved me for me, someone who knew my sense of humor and my quirks, someone who knew deep things about me and didn't run away, someone my family welcomed and loved as a part of their own.  I know it sounds silly but she was the best friend who I thought I would literally grow old with.  I always joked with her about how my loud voice was a good thing because she was hearing impaired and when we got old she would still be able to hear me.  I loved that she had an amazing memory and mine was horrid, so that when we were old she would remember and tell me stories of our lives together (kind of like Fried Green Tomatoes).  We shared the joys of children and the loss of fertility together.  We shared our boyfriends, fiances and husband issues and joys. We shared identity issues and worked out just who we were and what we stood for.  We grew up together and I thought we'd matured together as friends, as schedules and responsibilities kept us from talking as much as we'd like. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't imagine we wouldn't always be apart of each other's lives. I believed it so much in fact that the home I love with all my heart is literally at the end of her block.
So what went wrong? Isn't that the million dollar question? The problem is I don't know the answer to it and I don't know if I ever will.  My heart aches with each click of the keyboard I feel a deeper tug and the tears starting to form in the corner of my eyes.  Why?  How do you walk away from a friendship with no explanation and no reason? How can you just say goodbye and not look back, especially when you live right down the block from each other?  Why can't I feel better? Why do I still cry, even though I am sooooooo angry at her?  Why can't I look at her as she drives by me?  What did I do?  Why didn't she give us a chance to fix whatever was wrong? More than anything WHAT WAS WRONG in the first place? I have played it over and over and over again in my head.  And here is what I got....Before her, I always walked out on relationships (friendships or dating) and because I trusted in my heart that she would never leave me.
Let me elaborate a little on the first revelation, I don't say it lightly and I am ashamed to admit it, but the truth is the truth.  During some prayer time with God, He revealed to me a pattern in my life and that pattern is "When the going get's tough or too intimately close (not physically) I end it."  Why? Because (now I just learned this about myself) I need to end it before they had a chance to hurt me.  God didn't show me that to hurt me or to make me feel shameful, although I did struggle with that at first. He showed me so that I could learn from it and grow.  This prayer time and journaling gave God time to speak to my heart.  In my journal I began to write all the loves I have lost (whether it was friends or boyfriends and sadly there were many) and then for whatever reason I began to look over the list and consider why it ended.  It was then I began to notice my history of running...which, come on, qualifies me as a pretty bad friend! Who runs out on a relationship and friendship because it was to personal or too close? What kind of person says I am gonna hurt you first before you hurt me?  A wounded one...a poor, broken in spirit girl. Running was my protection, it was my safety net, it was the only way I knew to deal with my problems.  I am not saying each time I ran wasn't for a good reason, some were, some were not, the point is I ran! However, with my friend I actually stuck it out and endured the hard stuff with her.  Which is when it hit me, my newly ended friendship wounded me so badly because I didn't call the shots, I wasn't in control. It was the first time ever that I was the one who was broken up with.  And I gotta say, it stunk!
The second part of my revelation is about to sound rude and may even offend, please realize this was a hurt woman's thinking at the time. Due to certain life experiences, I had it set in my head that men may leave your life and they may cheat, but friends are not supposed to, not best friends of 20 years anyway. So when she left, and she did cheat- cheated our friendship- my whole sense of trust was thrown into a 'universal tilt-a-whirl' if you may!  Not only did I struggle with trusting men, but I also had a history of not trusting women.  The distrust in men came from examples I saw regularly on a personal level and in the world around me.  The distrust from women came at the end of my high school years and the beginning of my college years.  I was not very wise with some of the people I associated myself with, gossipers, back stabbers and manipulators (see why I left first?).  I always knew if they talked bad about each other when they weren't around, what did they say about me when I wasn't around?  However, God had other plans for my heart and about 8 years ago- the women's group in my church began to show me just how wrong my thinking was.  These amazing women began to show me how women can inspire, encourage and help each other out.  They were mentors, they were there to show what real friendship looked like.  They were real with one another and that allowed me to let my guard down and be real with them (on a safe level of course) I began to know that what I shared in the bible study wasn't being gossiped about around the church. With that being said,  I haven't honestly let anyone get really deep with me yet. I didn't think I needed too because in my mind, I already had a BEST friend. I mean why do you need more than 1 BESTIE?  These women were great, but I wasn't on the market shopping around.  I mean who wants to share their deep stuff with someone new, I mean I had her and my husband- that's all I needed....or so I thought!

No your roll? Know you're roll? No your role? Know your role

I have begun a new journey in my life, a new role has been added to my resume- I am now an official FULL TIME DOMESTIC ENGINEER!  Thank you to the wonderful hard working husband I have, who has made it possible for me to be here with my family.  When I started tossing the idea around for the 1,000,000,000,000,000 time last year, I knew I had to pray about it because my first instinct to leave was not necessarily based on positive things that were happening at that particular time in my life.  I knew I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it was something Kevin and I had spoken about many, many times before.  I had to make sure I wasn't just running away from my problems. So I started asking "God, I really really want to stay at home next year, but financially I can not be irresponsible for my family, what is it you want me to do?"  and "Lord, help me realize this is your will and not mine"  I am pleased to say I listened and I heard....not once, but many times in many ways.
One of the boldest and strongest ways he spoke to me was through the thoughts of dreaming big for Him, I heard this message when I took some of our senior high girls to a christian girl's conference called ReVolve-the title of the conference was Dream On.  Then I attended a Women of Faith conference with the ladies from my church and the conference title was Imagine. So I began to dream and imagine BIG IDEAS for God.
In case you don't know me well, let me tell you one thing about me that is my strength and my weakness- I am great at getting ideas and feeling excited and sharing them with everyone who will listen, however the weakness is that I fail to follow through all the time.  I am afraid to commit (kind of ironic) to a plan all the way in fear that I might fail or I might not know what I am doing, so I will drop it!  I am confessing to the 4 people who read this blog, that I, Nina Smith am horrible at follow through! 
Imagine then, that here I am all pumped up for God with all these ideas running through my head about what I can do for God if I stay home.  And I am available now, so God can use me in soooo many different areas to help and organize and do things for the church and it's members.  I had a great burden to help do a mission outreach to Brand Whitlock tenants, but then overwhelmed myself so much with my big dreams that I cut myself off at the knees and have been frozen ever since.  Have you ever had that feeling?  Passionate and on fire one minute, but then you get too close and you turn down the fire?  I did and I have and now I am wondering "Lord, what is my role?"  "Where do you want me Lord?" and He says "Here, Listen"
"Ok Lord I am listening, speak now, tell me Lord, I really wanna know"
"Listen"
"Lord I listen, I am here and ready to go, got things to do, so tell me Lord!"
"Listen"
"Lord, I've got a lot I can do around my house to get it in order- do you want me to do something there?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I am free, do you want me to make myself available to one of the elderly women at our church to help take her out and drive her around to appointments and erands?
"Listen"
"Lord, I can take in a few kids into my home while I am waiting for you to tell me what my new role is, is that ok with you?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can really work on building up my ministry and working on the churches websites"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can organize more events and do more things for the church, with this extra time that I have"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can...." (Get the picture)
I am in a new role, and I am out of my old role.  I was Mrs. Smith the teacher, sharing the love of God with my students.  That's what I went to college for, that's what I thought I wanted to do with my entire working career. I thought that was my purpose in life.  But the desire is changed, the heart is in limbo wondering if that wasn't it, what is it? Where do I fit in now? I don't want to fall into habits that are dull and tedious, I want passion for life when I  wake up everyday I wanna be exciteded to be doing the Lord's work....but honestly... I am not there yet.  I am in the land of in between and I can't say that I like it..happy I am not where I was but not happy because I am not where I want to be. So the Lord says "Listen" not DO or GO....but just be here and listen" Speak Lord, your servant is listening (and putting a muzzle over her mouth now)
Job 40: 3-5 Job answered:  "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me.  I should never have opened my mouth!
I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."

It's that time of year again

Because I was so frequent in my blogging (pause for sarcasm) it's really not that hard to believe it's been a year since I blogged about the nasty stuff that happened last August.  It still doesn't seem that far removed from me, not because I recall the instances that happened but because I recall all the emotion that went with it.  It started with my nephew having a seizure and the snowball rolled down hill from there.
This year I am blessed and fortunate enough to say that August does not suck.. for me anyway.  What I am discovering however, is that this month does suck for a lot of other people and that...makes my heart ache.  I don't know what it is about this particular month, maybe it's coincidence or maybe it's not, but August has challenged those I love in so many ways.  I will not name names, but in the past week here's what those I love are enduring: death of a father, a house flooding, losing a business, a 14 year old girl in a drug induced coma because when she is awake her body can't stop seizing, dealing with the loss of a friend who took their own life and watching the spouse try to pick up the pieces and asking why, a baby who was shaken so much that they are now considered brain dead and a the decision to take this 4 month old off of life support, cars breaking down, a very young spouse being told he has to have open heart surgery, cancer returning in young and old cancer survivors, a foster family who have fostered many many kids is accused of abusing a child, loved ones dealing with depression, and I will stop there. Maybe you are one of them, maybe you are suffering and you think your suffering is greater than those above or maybe you think it's fairly insignificant compared to others.  Whatever the case may be, know that there is a God out there who is fully aware of what is going on and He wants YOU to share it with him.
Psalm 42:11 says "Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?  Why are you crying the blues?  Fix my eyes on God- soon I'll be praising again (Did you get that? SOON, SOON you will be joyful! This which you are going through will not last!) He puts a smile on my face, He's my God!
This is from my Power to Change Devotional:
All of us have moments when we feel discouraged by life’s circumstances. Sometimes our loved ones’ efforts to lighten our load or lift our spirits fall short, and we wonder if we will ever emerge from today’s trying situation with our joy intact.
It’s good to know that our Father invites us to confide in Him, to share our feelings honestly in prayer. He cares for us and understands our needs and weaknesses. His comforting words, “Be of good cheer,” can mean more to a hurting heart than anything else in the world.
These verses remind us that we can also encouraging ourselves to hope in God, and continue to praise Him, no matter how bleak our outlook may be. We can do this by singing psalms or hymns, or reflecting on His goodness and speaking well of Him. Of course, there are times when even this seems too difficult, but just whispering a praise can usher in a sense of liberty and peace.
There have been times when I thought, “I’ll never be cheered up.” Yet as soon as I began to remind myself of His mercy and goodness, the clouds would begin to disperse. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of our problems will receive a quick fix or that it will be smooth sailing from here on out, but it does mean that our faces will brighten, the weight of the burden will lessen. We will be free to experience the joy of the Lord in the midst of life’s storms and challenges.

Father, at times it seems as if nothing can cheer me up. Yet I am reminded to hope in You and continue to give You praise, because You are my God. I look to You today for Your holy joy, for Your peace that passes all human understanding, and because You are the health and the help of my sad expression. Encourage me through Your Holy Spirit, Amen.

MORE ENCOURAGEMENT
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest"
Jeremiah 31:2 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint"
Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles: they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and will not faint"

Can I call you mom?

 After the deep heart to heart Brent and I had about his biological mom and dad, and Lottie meeting her sister (which was postponed due to poison ivy!) I knew Brent was going to want to see his own siblings. I am happy to say that God has done some miraculous things in my heart and my husband's heart to get us to where we are today.  After some discussion, we felt that it would be a good thing for Brent to be able to get together for a play date with his brothers and his biological mother-Brandy.  There was a certain peace we had in our hearts, knowing that it was something that would bring him joy.  So I promised I would make the call after we met Lottie's sister, but God had other plans.
On B's birthday we received a message from Brandy's dad (my uncle) to wish Brent a happy birthday, we called him back and I felt the nudge "Now is the time...talk to him".  When Brent was finished speaking to him, I took the phone and asked him to please have Brandy call me.  I shared that we would like to have her bring the boys to a park and meet for a play date so Brent could visit with her and them. I didn't have her number so I asked him to have her call me. I could hear the shock and surprise in his voice when I asked, and even more shock when I invited him (long story- save it for another blog).  He was excited, Brent was excited and I felt like we were doing the right thing.   However, God had other plans again (just an FYI I am often out of the loop when He has plans)
This past Sunday I was going to a baby shower and I asked my dad to keep Brent while the girls went to the shower- we were all set to go right after church.  The plan was drop off Brent to play with Grampy.  The phone rang at 11:30, just as church was ending, it was my step-mom Jill asking me to bring Brent's bathing suit and towel. My dad was going to take him swimming over at my aunt and uncle's house and Brandy, her boys and my uncle were going to be there. Wow, ok God- this works out even better- thanks! I shared with Brent what was going to happen and I watched his face light up! He was so excited!
The shower came and went, and I stayed as cool as a cucumber.  I didn't have any fears, anxiety or reservations about Brent's day.  I will admit I was very anxious to ask him all about it and hear how it went.  When he got in the car, he shared that he had a good time and he seemed in good spirits.  I asked him if he enjoyed the time with his brothers, to which he went on about how one can swim and the other can't. He had obviously enjoyed his time.  The mom in me couldn't help but wonder about her, so I asked
 "Did you talk to Brandy?"
 "Yeah, a little bit"
 "Did she ask you questions about you?"
 "Umm, a few, like about school and grades and stuff. Oh yeah and I asked her if I could call her mom."
 "Oh, what did she say?"
 "She said I could"
 "How do you feel about that?"
 "I feel great, because she is my mom too- she gave birth to me"
 "Yep, she sure did" and just like that he changed the subject.  One would think that at that time I would have been stirred or upset at that statement, but at that moment I was calm. I thought to myself, the boys were playing and calling her mom and knowing my son, he just wanted to join in and call her mom too.
Later that night however, the THUDS came!  When it was time for bed, I was talking to Brent about his blessings for the day.
 "One blessing was I got to see my other mom today and visit with my brothers." POKE
 "I'm glad I have two moms" JAB
 "I can't wait to see my mom again" STAB
What do you say? How do you feel? There is no text book for adopted parents on how to deal with these things. So what did I say? Nothing, I smiled for him. How did I feel? A little bit cheated that I had to share the title. How do I feel now? Confused. It's been a few days since Sunday and he hasn't spoken of her or his brothers, but the phrase "Can I call you mom?" lingers.  I can't tell him not to call her that, you can not, no matter how hard you try, make a child stop loving their parents.  They can be the worse people in the world and a child will always long for that parents approval. I can't be mad at him, he isn't wrong. He loves, he desires what should have been. He was just sharing his heart, his feelings.  When it all comes down to it, it's my issue and then I found this: For finding you mother, there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best. -Little Miss Spider
I know that I am his mom and I will be his forever mom but tonight I grasp that she is his mom too. She is worthy of the title in my eyes because she chose life for Brent! She chose to carry my son in her womb and give him a chance at life.  Then she loved him enough to give him to my husband and I. She dared to give Brent a life she could not and then sacrificed her wants and needs to give him his. Isn't that a mom too?

Thanks Max

For the past few weeks I have found myself pulling further away from my time with God.  Sure I manage to sneak in a quick 2 minute devotional read, but I really haven't spent any quality time with him. If you know me, you know that Christ is a big part of my life and I would like to say He is one of my very best friends.  But honestly, these days- I suck at being a friend back to Him.  I don't answer His calls, He tries to connect with me through His word, music, books, news articles, Sunday Sermons, my children. He speaks in ways that I will hear Him best, ways that speak to my heart and say "Hey, I have something I want to share with you- are you there?" He always gets a busy signal and He is always leaving messages for me, the problem is I am too busy to listen to those messages or hear what He wants to share with me.  

Last year in August, a whorl wind of trouble began raining down in multiple areas of my life and it pretty much lasted until this April.  Every month a new attack presented itself and every time I felt like my head was above water, something or someone pulled me back under.  There were many times when I felt like I wouldn't make it, it appeared as if I was living in an eternal season of winter.  I felt like I was poked, prodded, shoved, pushed, pulled in every direction. But the one thing that got me through was my faith in Jesus Christ.  He was my rescuer from the water, His hand pulled me up to keep me from drowning. The warmth of His love, kept that season of winter from making my heart cold and killing my relationship with Him.  He stayed by my side and provided food for my soul daily. When I felt like I had nothing left in me to give, He refreshed me with living water.  He was in all ways my rock and my salvation.  When April came, changes began and I felt some of the chains that bound me breaking free...I felt joy again in my heart and I flew as high as I could and embraced the new challenges He set before me.  

I didn't doubt, I didn't fear, I just pressed forward...the problem is I got to far ahead of Him and now it is hard to see Him. I ran ahead, forgetting what He had done and where I came from, only to find myself with this new feeling of melancholy and frustrations.  I am admitting there is not much joy in my heart, where joy was is now replaced by grouchiness, irritability, frustration, anger and down right bad attitude.  Why?  Where did this come from?  What is my problem?  Today I opened my e-mail and I was thump-thudded and I realized what was going on...so why am I writing this? To encourage you, as I have been encouraged! The following comes from Max Lucado, one of my favorite Christian writers of all time.  He is a modern day parablist, whose writing always manages to speak to my heart, I pray it speaks to yours too. 

Week of July 22
Thump-Thud, Thump-Thud
When a potter bakes a pot, he checks its solidity by pulling it out of the oven and thumping it. If it “sings,” it’s ready. If it “thuds,” it’s placed back in the oven.
The character of a person is also checked by thumping. Been thumped lately?
Late-night phone calls. Grouchy teacher. Grumpy moms. Burnt meals. Flat tires. You’ve-got-to-be-kidding deadlines. Those are thumps. Thumps are those irritating inconveniences that trigger the worst in us. They catch us off guard. Flat-footed. They aren’t big enough to be crises, but if you get enough of them, watch out! Traffic jams. Long lines. Empty mailboxes. Dirty clothes on the floor. Even as I write this, I’m being thumped. Because of interruptions, it has taken me almost two hours to write these two paragraphs. Thump. Thump. Thump.
How do I respond? Do I sing? Or do I thud?
Jesus said that out of the nature of the heart a man speaks (Luke 6:45). There’s nothing like a good thump to reveal the nature of a heart. The true character of a person is seen not in momentary heroics but in the thump-packed humdrum of day-to-day living.
If you have a tendency to thud more than you sing, take heart.
The true character of a person is seen not in momentary heroics but in the thump-packed humdrum of day-to day living.
There is hope for us “thudders”:
1.     Begin by thanking God for thumps. I don’t mean a half-hearted thank-you. I mean a rejoicing, jumping-for-joy thank-you from the bottom of your heart (James 1:2). Chances are that God is doing the thumping. And he’s doing it for your own good. So every thump is a reminder that God is molding you (Heb. 12:5–8).
2.     Learn from each thump. Face up to the fact that you are not “thump-proof.” You are going to be tested from now on. You might as well learn from the thumps—you can’t avoid them. Look upon each inconvenience as an opportunity to develop patience and persistence. Each thump will help you or hurt you, depending on how you use it.
3.     Be aware of “thump-slump” times. Know your pressure periods. For me Mondays are infamous for causing thump-slumps. Fridays can be just as bad. For all of us, there are times during the week when we can anticipate an unusual amount of thumping. The best way to handle thump-slump times? Head on. Bolster yourself with extra prayer, and don’t give up.
Remember, no thump is disastrous. All thumps work for good if we are loving and obeying God.

Hello Old Friend

Tonight is a good night to begin my blogging again, I honestly can say I have tons of ideas in my head and I am gonna try to be as faithful as possible in getting those thoughts out. We got a phone call shortly after July 4th, Lottie's half-sister, let's call her Alexis, was asking her grandparent about whether she had any brothers or sisters. When we took Lottie one of the things Kevin and I agreed on was making sure all our children knew their half-sibs, we know how important family is and we don't want to lie to them about their history.  We decided we will reveal when necessary and when it's age appropriate. Alexis is 9 and is asking lots of questions, so her grandparent called the CASA, who knows both of Lottie and Alexis and their biological mother- point...Alexis is ready to meet her sibling. We decided that Lottie is young enough that now would be ok, we are not sure how much she will understand at 3, but it's important to Alexis.  So Kevin and I agreed it would take place in a few weeks, in a neutral place, like a park and our whole family would go. I really don't have any feelings one way or the other yet, but I am sure as time draws near- I will blog it.
     That was this morning, this afternoon while we were swimming I thought it would be a good time to kind of share with Brent what was going to be happening. I don't know why I said it, I didn't really think about it or even pray about how to tell him, I just sort of said it.  He thought it was cool she was close to his age and he would have a new friend to play with (smirk).  Bug's only statement was "What sister?" ...I tell her a big sister.  She says "Oh, I haven't met her yet" End of conversation. Simple for her 3 year old mind, she won't have another thought about it until she meets Alexis.  However, what I did not intend on was how the wheels would start turning in my son's head.  In case you are not familiar with my son, he is very methodical, he analyzes things and really thinks about certain things at times- never mind he is impulsive the majority of the time with actions!  So tonight at bedtime, I tuck in Bug and say prayers, it was a pretty easy night with no bed time beatings...JOKE....I walk into Brent's room and kneel down thinking it was gonna be a quick in and out with him WRONG!
     I ask Brent and Lottie every night before prayers what their blessings are for the day and what their disappointments are.  I was not at all ready for what he shared with me.  "One of my disappointments today was that Brandy wasn't able to do the right thing and take care of me" (We've had this discussion before) I listened to him share his heart and then I asked, "Hey Buddy what made you think of Brandy today? Was it because I started talking about Lottie meeting her sister?" "Yeah" He then proceeded to talk about some of his past and the people in it and he ended up with someone he referred to as, his other mother.  I was quick to share that the woman he lived with, who abused him was not in anyway a mother to him, she was just a woman he lived with.  We then proceeded to talk about the story of how he came to live there (again, we have had this conversation...but almost 8 now brings new insight and deeper thoughts) "Why did Brandy leave me there?" Tears flowed down his little cheeks, as he looked at me searching for some reason.  My heart broke, my response as truthful as I can be "She didn't know that the EVIL LADY was hurting you too, she just thought she was hurting her"
     And then it happened...the question we have been bracing ourselves to answer, because he has come so close in asking before, but always stopped short...
"But what about my dad?" I breathed in slowly and under my breath said "Here goes Lord"  Outloud-"Do you mean daddy?"
 "No not him,the other guy?"
 "The guy who helped make you with Brandy?"
 "Yea, him" (DEEP BREATHS)
I then proceeded to tell him as delicately, as age appropriately as possible that we didn't know much about him and that like Brandy he wasn't able to take care of him.  We said he didn't want to be a dad and didn't want to have anything to do with kids or babies. He was very selfish and just wanted to play and do what he wanted to do, he didn't care about anyone else. I watched as my son broke down in my arms saying "How can anyone not want their son or baby?" I cried with him and hugged him and held him for as long as he let me. "I can't believe he didn't want me" I gave him some time to cry before trying to pick up his heart and help hold it back together again.
"Brent, do you know what? It wasn't that this guy didn't want you, He didn't know you he never met you- but I don't doubt for one minute that had he met you- he would have fallen in love with you and wanted you- I know your daddy did"  I shared with him the first time Kevin laid eyes on him and how Brent just loved Kevin and flirted with him, he even cuddled on the couch with him after an hour of meeting him.  I told him how Kevin's heart was captivated and he knew from the moment he laid eyes on Brent that him.  I said "Just think if you hadn't come into our lives, if that bad thing didn't happen with Brandy and that guy- then we wouldn't have you and without you, we wouldn't have Lottie, and without you and Lottie we wouldn't be a family.  So God took something so bad and turned it into something so good, because GOD wanted you too.  That's why He made you in the first place.  He wanted you to be and do all the amazing and incredible things Konner Brent Logan Smith can do! Daddy and I, our lives would be so boring without you- who would we yell at? Who would I tickle?  Who would say silly prayers and teach Lottie what to do?" He laughed and hugged me, and started saying "Who would Grampy and Grammie spoil?" "Who would Papa play catch with?" "Who would you ground?" I laughed and cried at the same time..."No one Brent, no one- because He made you and formed you in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139) He has plans to prosper you Brent, He has plans that only you can do.  Other people can do them, but NO ONE can do them the way you do them.  You are special and loved and wanted by so many people and we praise God that He gave you to us! Because we wanted you before we met you!" I watched as my son's eyes lit up and the joy returned to his face, praise God for He heals the broken hearted- His words bring healing to His soul and as Brent's mommy I am eternally gratefully to our Redeemer who makes beautiful things out of dust and out of us!



***"One last question mom?"
"Yes B?"
"How does a man help a woman make a baby?"
(Laughing inside my head loudly) "We will save that conversation for another night son...."

God’s Salvation · Max Lucado

God’s Salvation · Max Lucado

Missing my blog

I am still alive and hopefully one day in the very near future I will begin blogging again. My life was a whirlwind of adventure and struggles and I believe I am either A. Coming out of the storm or B. I am in the middle of the Hurricane and this is just a calm- either way I always have stuff to say and things on my mind that I think people should hear (LOL) but finding the time has been the most difficult challenge. My goal for 2011- like everything else-MAKE THE TIME! You'll be hearing from me soon...maybe