The "Committed" Mom?

I am blessed to be the mom of three wonderfully amazing children I call Brent, Lottie and Kenzie. But honestly, there are days when I am committed and days when I need to be committed! So here's where this little blog comes in...my refuge- my sanctuary...my opportunity to share with all who care, the joys of being a "Committed" Mom!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Shortest Things Can Make You Cry

It was an ordinary day, nothing bad- nothing particularly special- it was just a day.

Even my kids were ok.  No major crises or meltdowns today. No drama for this momma.

I was sitting at a fast food drive thru waiting to pay for my food when I decided to check Facebook.
Nothing out of the ordinary, I do it habitually without thinking a million times a day.  Don't know why I do it- but it was not unusual for me to do it.

And there it was...

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me- had no freakin idea what they were talking about.  That is simply one of the biggest lies ever said on the face of the planet, throughout history spoken words have left incredibly painful scars in many people. Words from childhood teasing and taunts, words of abuse from loved ones, words of jealousy from haters, words of anger, words of frustration...painful, painful stab wounds left on our hearts from WORDS.

These words, however, were not spoken words-these were written words. Granted they were someone's thoughts, said in their head and typed onto a screen, but they were given a voice as I read them and felt them. It was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so that I could not breath.

What is ironic about the words that I read is that they were someone else's praise! In their life this person, who is so close to my heart, is going through something so incredible, so life changing and so beautiful they wanted to share with the whole Facebook world. Why wouldn't you want to share your blessing with world- who wouldn't be happy for you in times of joy?

I can honestly say that any other time this person shared their praise with me I was overjoyed and delighted for them.  This is not their first trip down this road, but it is still exciting to be apart of it with them. But this night, this ordinary night-my heart did not rejoice. One sentence, flipped my ordinary night upside down:

"And so it starts...I feel movement, this is fantastic!" 

Tears...jealousy...anger...hurt....tears, tears, tears....lots and lots of tears.

At this stage in my life, I do not know what it feels like to carry a child in my womb.  I don't understand what it feels like to be sitting there and all of the sudden feel movement within my body. I don't know what the little fluttering feeling is, I only know of what other's have shared.  I can imagine there is no other feeling comparable in the world.

My favorite story of Jesus birth, is when Mary goes to see her cousin Elizabeth.  Mary has not yet told Elizabeth she is expecting, but as she nears Elizabeth- the baby that is in Elizabeth's womb leaps for joy! It makes my heart smile to imagine this- just like it makes my heart smile to hear the people I love experience this too. What a precious, precious blessing  to receive and yet I don't know if I will ever personally experience this sacred blessing.

So when the person close to my heart shared their excitement this time, rather than rejoice in it- without being able to control it- my heart reacted a different way.

First came the tears...instantly....I didn't have time to think or process the tears just came- hot and fast.
It caught me so off guard, that I then questioned "Why am I crying? How selfish of me!"  but as soon as I thought it I heard my Father say "Don't keep it from me, tell me....I already know"  I realized I was trying to control it, I was trying to PRETEND- to make myself feel bad for feeling what I felt.  God wanted me to be real....so I gave it to Him out loud, through the sobbing and tears

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"WHY CAN'T I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?"
"I WANT TO KNOW THAT FEELING"
"I WANT TO EXPERIENCE A CHILD IN MY WOMB!"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME LORD?"

As soon as I released the words, a peace came over my heart. Suddenly releasing them out loud to God, freed me from the internal voices that can sometimes be deceitful and lie to you. I should have prefaced this by saying that this wasn't the first time God and I have had this talk and I am confident in saying it will not be the last.  Many of times I thought I had my act together and I had accepted the possibility of me not having children, many times I felt it's ok- I have two terrific kids and I should be happy with what I have.  But then something happens and I become this hot mess and feel like I am back at step one all over again.

Here is what I have learned from my many wrestlings with God:
1. I am deeply and passionately loved by the Creator of the Universe, for God so loved the world that He sent His only SON to die on the cross for my sins, so that I might have eternal life. (John 3:16)  Which means He wants to be with me!  Because I believe this I know.
2. That I am a child of God. I am the daughter of a King, Heir to His throne.(Romans 8) because I am the daughter of a King, there are blessings and riches waiting for me- far beyond what I can ever imagine here on Earth. My Father desires to lavish me with his blessing- He wants me to share in His glory!  As I sit here I think about my own children and what I wouldn't do for them or what I wouldn't sacrifice and give up for their happiness...and if I being Human desire to give good and do good for my kids- how much more does God have for me and desire good for me?  And because I believe this I know...
3. I know that He desires the best for my life Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, :"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope." So because I have faith and believe this than I know that a God who loves me so much, died for my sins- paid for my mistakes, who has crowns and riches waiting for me, who has desires to do good for me- Why, why would He keep a baby from my womb just to hurt me? Truth: He wouldn't.

My father knows me intimately, He created me and knows everything about me.  There is no where I can go to get away from Him (Psalm 139) No thought can I have that He doesn't already know.  He knows my deep desire to conceive a child in my womb. He knows how badly I want to experience what Elizabeth did and what the person I love did.  He knows the longing, the aching, the tears.  Because He knows- this is where my faith must come in more, because He knows and does not allow it to happen I need to trust that it is not happening for a reason. I need to trust in His truth and promises to give me hope and a future.

I  trust that if I am not going to be sharing in this joy, that there is a reason why.  I may never know why this side of heaven, do I WANT to know why? Abso-freakin-lutely!  Do I NEED to know why? No, because my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts.  He knows better than I for my life- He knows the outcome and what is to become of me.  I trust Him, I may not like it or agree or ever understand- but I trust Him. I trust that He is walking with Kevin and I as we deal with this ache in our hearts, that with each situation that brings us to our knees- He understands our pain, He will carry us through and strengthen our faith.

So the words in that one sentence broke my heart-but His words restored my heart and well I just had to blog about that!

**TO THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE SENTENCE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS- I LOVE YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE MY JEALOUSY AND KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART I AM TRULY EXCITED AND JOYFUL OVER YOUR BLESSING! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE DAY YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY COMES INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN LAVISH IT WITH LOVE! THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE APART OF YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SHARING YOUR BLESSINGS WITH ME**