I wanted to take a quick minute to inform those who read why I blog. I don't blog because I want the attention (although I do like it) or because I want sympathy (but I do appreciate the compassion from others), I don't blog because I try to create drama (although sometimes it feels I am surrounded by it), I don't blog to nag and complain (well, I try not too...lol) and I most definitely am not out to hurt someone's feelings.
My reason for blogging is to share my experiences, good, bad, pretty or ugly, I want people to see the real me. God has been teaching me that we live in a society where people (including me at times) wear pretty masks and hide behind fake smiles and use statements like "things are fine", when in fact their worlds are crumbling all around them. But unless you speak up, no one notices your struggle and pain, because they too are living their lives maybe they are happy and content or maybe, just maybe they are struggling and suffering too. So we isolate parts of our souls and keep them hidden in darkness, when we should be crying out to others, bringing pain into light and asking for help, prayer and strength!
God wants us to be real with one another, He wants us to encourage one another and share the journey...He wants you to know that you are not in this alone- I am not alone. I blog to share not only the joys and trials of motherhood, but the struggles of being a Godly woman, a teacher, a wife, a minister of the gospel, a social worker, a taxi driver, etc. The list is extensive- right ladies? How many hats do you wear? How many mask do you own?
The bible says to laugh when others laugh and cry when they cry. I do not believe for one second that my life is the only busy and chaotic life out there, and it's very easy to get wrapped up in ME and MY LIFE. But I know in my heart, that it is not about me. God has a bigger purpose and a plan for my life- these bumps in the road, these joys, these heart aches, all of it...they are just single strings in the tapestry design God is weaving, the tapestry that is my life.
I pray that when I arrive in heaven God will show me what He did with all those strings, because honestly like the back of the tapestry now- it looks like a big mess...
I don't blog because I am self-absorbed (although I own it at times), I blog because I want others to know that there is an amazing and loving God who desires the hearts of His created ones. He loves you no matter what you are doing, what you are feeling or not feeling. He doesn't expect you to be perfect (although we expect it of ourselves at times), He just ask for you, for your heart, for you to believe and receive that Jesus died for you. He loved you so much that Jesus died so that you might live! God not only gave his life up for you, but He took the time and love to fashion and form you in your mother's womb. God knows the plans He has for you and your life (and mine), He plans to prosper us, He plans to give us hope and a future! He is why I blog...He is my legacy.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Lunatic Has Left the Asylum
I know it's been a long time since I have last blogged and I have struggled with it because in actuality I have had a lot to blog about- the problem is my brain is overloaded and it won't let me.
August brought with it;
Holden's traumatic event,
My dad flipping his semi over collapsing a lung and breaking 8 ribs,
Starting back to school and getting my class room situated and ready,
My son starting 2nd grade and me wondering and worrying if we will survive it and how many phone calls and parent teacher meetings we will have this year,
Me wondering and worrying if my son has a serious issue with his self-esteem and questioning if we should get him a psychologist to help him,
My daughter practicing being 2...and being very good at
My daughter breaking my heart with her tears as I go back to work and her punishment to me by not continuing her potty training,
Watching 2 extra little ones for my friend Steph during third shift (who amazes me with her strength) while her husband is putting in his 2 weeks a year serving our country in the reserves (my thought- it's the least I could do for them),
Still mourning the loss of a 20 year friendship that ended with no closure...
All the while trying to possibly prepare for a father-in-law who was planning on coming the week school started for me, but failed to show (but I digress!)and never really said anything about it,
Maintaining the cleanliness of my home,
Preparing for Labor Day Camping,
Lesson planning,
Balancing Church responsibilities, family and friends
No date night with my hubby!
Dealing with double the kids in my class this year as opposed to last year (which is a blessing) Struggling with some real behavioral issues at school and then trying to deal with my own kids after being a building that bakes at 1000000000000000000000 degrees with no air all day...
Trying to get Emotionally Healthy and letting God help me deal and confront my emotions and feelings- rather than hide or ignore them...
That was August
During Labor Day...I rested....I cherished my vacation camping with my family...
September has been quiet...shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh errr...quieter and that's when the door creaked open and the lunatic began to peek out at me- when know one was looking, when it was quiet
She reared her head last night and attacked me...I never saw her coming- but boy August warning signs showed me she was close by...maybe next time I will heed the warnings!
It started Sunday night, my husband and I making sweet comments to each other about "Going to bed early!" I feel asleep in front of the tv and my snoring made him wake me at 1130...sexy! I simply was not mad, we always say one thing- but life and kids can make "Going to Bed early" a real challenge. I kissed my husband and said "No love for mom tonight...guess we didn't make it to be early" it was a statement, not an accusation or dig...I was half asleep. My husband apologized and I was like "For what? how many times had I done the same thing to you" I said it, I was ok and went upstairs, thinking I would fall right back to sleep...
But the lunatic woke me up- she started whispering irrational and illogical thoughts and I started to believe them. I tried rebuking them and blocking her lies like;"He doesn't find you attractive anymore. Look at yourself, he might just go out and get himself a little honey on the side. When was the last time you too really connected intimately? Why do you think that is? When is the last time he romanced you? When was the last time it was just about you? I literally laid there for a half an hour getting all worked up- it was only until the good Lord lulled me back to sleep did I lose her!
I even sat Tuesday night with my mom, discussing this lunatic (she had met her own lunatic earlier as well) so it made for great conversation! I look forward to sharing lunatic stories with Bug when she is older!
Anyway my point...she's been lurking...whispering and last night she came out and went crazy all over me!!!!!
It started with a challenging day at work- let's just say there was pooh involved and an art room...it was a euphimisim for the day! 6 of my little darlings challenged me inside and out, up and down and I literally felt I got nothing accomplished as a teacher, I felt like a total failure. She began there "A good teacher could control her room..." "A good teacher would be able to reach the kids who have needs that go way beyond the classroom" "A good teacher doesn't yell and shows patience and kindness and today you did none of that..." (See how she worked) Then I came home to find out my son has been embellishing the truth a lot ...amongst other things... and so after grounding him to his room for two days for lying- he went to bed, my husband and I sent text's discussing it. He read that kids lie sometimes because they are being to harshly punished or punished too much. My husband said in the nicest way possible," Maybe we need to look at how we deal with him" And the lunatic yelled ...."He means you have done a horrible job at parenting this boy and you have messed him up more than his biological mother and the woman who abused him did" "You are mean and horrible to him, how will he ever see God- you don't look like him- if anything you will push him away from God" There was more...but I choose to forget what was said because it was to hateful.
Then to end my night after I got out of the shower there was a wonderful puddle at the bottom of my steps on the carpet- left as a gift from my dog. Pooh to start...urine to end- how appropriate! It was at that precise moment when the lunatic left the asylum and had held me captive for at least a half hour, saying the worst possible things to me...I shrunk and curled into a ball and I cried....not sobbed...not just tears... but cried from my gut- the anguished cry, the kind that feels like you are going to die because it hurts so bad. The pain was too much for me- she was out of control and she had to be stopped, and so I did the only thing I know to do...I cried out "Lord, I can't take this. I know I am a bad mother. I know I am a horrible teacher and a bad example of who you are. Lord, I am not adequate to be a parent or a teacher. I have no control and no idea what I am doing. I can't lead or guide...I am weak and I am lost" and as quickly as it came out of my mouth I heard Him say " You are not a horrible mom, or a horrible teacher. "You are exactly who I created you to be and you are doing what I have equipped you with the power of doing. You're right, you aren't adequate- you are human- you are not perfect. But I AM adequate and my grace will be sufficient for you. I will guide you and I will lead you, You are my lost sheep and I Am your Shepard. I know where you are in darkness and now it's time to let me be the one in control. I will lead you beside still waters and I will comfort you. All you need to do is love them. But you need to Eat more of my word and drink deeper from my fountain...I don't need you to be super mom or super teacher, whether you fail or succeed will not make me love you more or less. You are my beloved creation and all I need is your submitted heart"....and just like that she was gone. Amen
August brought with it;
Holden's traumatic event,
My dad flipping his semi over collapsing a lung and breaking 8 ribs,
Starting back to school and getting my class room situated and ready,
My son starting 2nd grade and me wondering and worrying if we will survive it and how many phone calls and parent teacher meetings we will have this year,
Me wondering and worrying if my son has a serious issue with his self-esteem and questioning if we should get him a psychologist to help him,
My daughter practicing being 2...and being very good at
My daughter breaking my heart with her tears as I go back to work and her punishment to me by not continuing her potty training,
Watching 2 extra little ones for my friend Steph during third shift (who amazes me with her strength) while her husband is putting in his 2 weeks a year serving our country in the reserves (my thought- it's the least I could do for them),
Still mourning the loss of a 20 year friendship that ended with no closure...
All the while trying to possibly prepare for a father-in-law who was planning on coming the week school started for me, but failed to show (but I digress!)and never really said anything about it,
Maintaining the cleanliness of my home,
Preparing for Labor Day Camping,
Lesson planning,
Balancing Church responsibilities, family and friends
No date night with my hubby!
Dealing with double the kids in my class this year as opposed to last year (which is a blessing) Struggling with some real behavioral issues at school and then trying to deal with my own kids after being a building that bakes at 1000000000000000000000 degrees with no air all day...
Trying to get Emotionally Healthy and letting God help me deal and confront my emotions and feelings- rather than hide or ignore them...
That was August
During Labor Day...I rested....I cherished my vacation camping with my family...
September has been quiet...shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh errr...quieter and that's when the door creaked open and the lunatic began to peek out at me- when know one was looking, when it was quiet
She reared her head last night and attacked me...I never saw her coming- but boy August warning signs showed me she was close by...maybe next time I will heed the warnings!
It started Sunday night, my husband and I making sweet comments to each other about "Going to bed early!" I feel asleep in front of the tv and my snoring made him wake me at 1130...sexy! I simply was not mad, we always say one thing- but life and kids can make "Going to Bed early" a real challenge. I kissed my husband and said "No love for mom tonight...guess we didn't make it to be early" it was a statement, not an accusation or dig...I was half asleep. My husband apologized and I was like "For what? how many times had I done the same thing to you" I said it, I was ok and went upstairs, thinking I would fall right back to sleep...
But the lunatic woke me up- she started whispering irrational and illogical thoughts and I started to believe them. I tried rebuking them and blocking her lies like;"He doesn't find you attractive anymore. Look at yourself, he might just go out and get himself a little honey on the side. When was the last time you too really connected intimately? Why do you think that is? When is the last time he romanced you? When was the last time it was just about you? I literally laid there for a half an hour getting all worked up- it was only until the good Lord lulled me back to sleep did I lose her!
I even sat Tuesday night with my mom, discussing this lunatic (she had met her own lunatic earlier as well) so it made for great conversation! I look forward to sharing lunatic stories with Bug when she is older!
Anyway my point...she's been lurking...whispering and last night she came out and went crazy all over me!!!!!
It started with a challenging day at work- let's just say there was pooh involved and an art room...it was a euphimisim for the day! 6 of my little darlings challenged me inside and out, up and down and I literally felt I got nothing accomplished as a teacher, I felt like a total failure. She began there "A good teacher could control her room..." "A good teacher would be able to reach the kids who have needs that go way beyond the classroom" "A good teacher doesn't yell and shows patience and kindness and today you did none of that..." (See how she worked) Then I came home to find out my son has been embellishing the truth a lot ...amongst other things... and so after grounding him to his room for two days for lying- he went to bed, my husband and I sent text's discussing it. He read that kids lie sometimes because they are being to harshly punished or punished too much. My husband said in the nicest way possible," Maybe we need to look at how we deal with him" And the lunatic yelled ...."He means you have done a horrible job at parenting this boy and you have messed him up more than his biological mother and the woman who abused him did" "You are mean and horrible to him, how will he ever see God- you don't look like him- if anything you will push him away from God" There was more...but I choose to forget what was said because it was to hateful.
Then to end my night after I got out of the shower there was a wonderful puddle at the bottom of my steps on the carpet- left as a gift from my dog. Pooh to start...urine to end- how appropriate! It was at that precise moment when the lunatic left the asylum and had held me captive for at least a half hour, saying the worst possible things to me...I shrunk and curled into a ball and I cried....not sobbed...not just tears... but cried from my gut- the anguished cry, the kind that feels like you are going to die because it hurts so bad. The pain was too much for me- she was out of control and she had to be stopped, and so I did the only thing I know to do...I cried out "Lord, I can't take this. I know I am a bad mother. I know I am a horrible teacher and a bad example of who you are. Lord, I am not adequate to be a parent or a teacher. I have no control and no idea what I am doing. I can't lead or guide...I am weak and I am lost" and as quickly as it came out of my mouth I heard Him say " You are not a horrible mom, or a horrible teacher. "You are exactly who I created you to be and you are doing what I have equipped you with the power of doing. You're right, you aren't adequate- you are human- you are not perfect. But I AM adequate and my grace will be sufficient for you. I will guide you and I will lead you, You are my lost sheep and I Am your Shepard. I know where you are in darkness and now it's time to let me be the one in control. I will lead you beside still waters and I will comfort you. All you need to do is love them. But you need to Eat more of my word and drink deeper from my fountain...I don't need you to be super mom or super teacher, whether you fail or succeed will not make me love you more or less. You are my beloved creation and all I need is your submitted heart"....and just like that she was gone. Amen
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