I know it's been a long time since I have last blogged and I have struggled with it because in actuality I have had a lot to blog about- the problem is my brain is overloaded and it won't let me.
August brought with it;
Holden's traumatic event,
My dad flipping his semi over collapsing a lung and breaking 8 ribs,
Starting back to school and getting my class room situated and ready,
My son starting 2nd grade and me wondering and worrying if we will survive it and how many phone calls and parent teacher meetings we will have this year,
Me wondering and worrying if my son has a serious issue with his self-esteem and questioning if we should get him a psychologist to help him,
My daughter practicing being 2...and being very good at
My daughter breaking my heart with her tears as I go back to work and her punishment to me by not continuing her potty training,
Watching 2 extra little ones for my friend Steph during third shift (who amazes me with her strength) while her husband is putting in his 2 weeks a year serving our country in the reserves (my thought- it's the least I could do for them),
Still mourning the loss of a 20 year friendship that ended with no closure...
All the while trying to possibly prepare for a father-in-law who was planning on coming the week school started for me, but failed to show (but I digress!)and never really said anything about it,
Maintaining the cleanliness of my home,
Preparing for Labor Day Camping,
Balancing Church responsibilities, family and friends
No date night with my hubby!
Dealing with double the kids in my class this year as opposed to last year (which is a blessing) Struggling with some real behavioral issues at school and then trying to deal with my own kids after being a building that bakes at 1000000000000000000000 degrees with no air all day...
Trying to get Emotionally Healthy and letting God help me deal and confront my emotions and feelings- rather than hide or ignore them...
That was August
During Labor Day...I rested....I cherished my vacation camping with my family...
September has been quiet...shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh errr...quieter and that's when the door creaked open and the lunatic began to peek out at me- when know one was looking, when it was quiet
She reared her head last night and attacked me...I never saw her coming- but boy August warning signs showed me she was close by...maybe next time I will heed the warnings!
It started Sunday night, my husband and I making sweet comments to each other about "Going to bed early!" I feel asleep in front of the tv and my snoring made him wake me at 1130...sexy! I simply was not mad, we always say one thing- but life and kids can make "Going to Bed early" a real challenge. I kissed my husband and said "No love for mom tonight...guess we didn't make it to be early" it was a statement, not an accusation or dig...I was half asleep. My husband apologized and I was like "For what? how many times had I done the same thing to you" I said it, I was ok and went upstairs, thinking I would fall right back to sleep...
But the lunatic woke me up- she started whispering irrational and illogical thoughts and I started to believe them. I tried rebuking them and blocking her lies like;"He doesn't find you attractive anymore. Look at yourself, he might just go out and get himself a little honey on the side. When was the last time you too really connected intimately? Why do you think that is? When is the last time he romanced you? When was the last time it was just about you? I literally laid there for a half an hour getting all worked up- it was only until the good Lord lulled me back to sleep did I lose her!
I even sat Tuesday night with my mom, discussing this lunatic (she had met her own lunatic earlier as well) so it made for great conversation! I look forward to sharing lunatic stories with Bug when she is older!
Anyway my point...she's been lurking...whispering and last night she came out and went crazy all over me!!!!!
It started with a challenging day at work- let's just say there was pooh involved and an art room...it was a euphimisim for the day! 6 of my little darlings challenged me inside and out, up and down and I literally felt I got nothing accomplished as a teacher, I felt like a total failure. She began there "A good teacher could control her room..." "A good teacher would be able to reach the kids who have needs that go way beyond the classroom" "A good teacher doesn't yell and shows patience and kindness and today you did none of that..." (See how she worked) Then I came home to find out my son has been embellishing the truth a lot ...amongst other things... and so after grounding him to his room for two days for lying- he went to bed, my husband and I sent text's discussing it. He read that kids lie sometimes because they are being to harshly punished or punished too much. My husband said in the nicest way possible," Maybe we need to look at how we deal with him" And the lunatic yelled ...."He means you have done a horrible job at parenting this boy and you have messed him up more than his biological mother and the woman who abused him did" "You are mean and horrible to him, how will he ever see God- you don't look like him- if anything you will push him away from God" There was more...but I choose to forget what was said because it was to hateful.
Then to end my night after I got out of the shower there was a wonderful puddle at the bottom of my steps on the carpet- left as a gift from my dog. Pooh to start...urine to end- how appropriate! It was at that precise moment when the lunatic left the asylum and had held me captive for at least a half hour, saying the worst possible things to me...I shrunk and curled into a ball and I cried....not sobbed...not just tears... but cried from my gut- the anguished cry, the kind that feels like you are going to die because it hurts so bad. The pain was too much for me- she was out of control and she had to be stopped, and so I did the only thing I know to do...I cried out "Lord, I can't take this. I know I am a bad mother. I know I am a horrible teacher and a bad example of who you are. Lord, I am not adequate to be a parent or a teacher. I have no control and no idea what I am doing. I can't lead or guide...I am weak and I am lost" and as quickly as it came out of my mouth I heard Him say " You are not a horrible mom, or a horrible teacher. "You are exactly who I created you to be and you are doing what I have equipped you with the power of doing. You're right, you aren't adequate- you are human- you are not perfect. But I AM adequate and my grace will be sufficient for you. I will guide you and I will lead you, You are my lost sheep and I Am your Shepard. I know where you are in darkness and now it's time to let me be the one in control. I will lead you beside still waters and I will comfort you. All you need to do is love them. But you need to Eat more of my word and drink deeper from my fountain...I don't need you to be super mom or super teacher, whether you fail or succeed will not make me love you more or less. You are my beloved creation and all I need is your submitted heart"....and just like that she was gone. Amen