The "Committed" Mom?

I am blessed to be the mom of three wonderfully amazing children I call Brent, Lottie and Kenzie. But honestly, there are days when I am committed and days when I need to be committed! So here's where this little blog comes in...my refuge- my sanctuary...my opportunity to share with all who care, the joys of being a "Committed" Mom!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Can I call you mom?

 After the deep heart to heart Brent and I had about his biological mom and dad, and Lottie meeting her sister (which was postponed due to poison ivy!) I knew Brent was going to want to see his own siblings. I am happy to say that God has done some miraculous things in my heart and my husband's heart to get us to where we are today.  After some discussion, we felt that it would be a good thing for Brent to be able to get together for a play date with his brothers and his biological mother-Brandy.  There was a certain peace we had in our hearts, knowing that it was something that would bring him joy.  So I promised I would make the call after we met Lottie's sister, but God had other plans.
On B's birthday we received a message from Brandy's dad (my uncle) to wish Brent a happy birthday, we called him back and I felt the nudge "Now is the time...talk to him".  When Brent was finished speaking to him, I took the phone and asked him to please have Brandy call me.  I shared that we would like to have her bring the boys to a park and meet for a play date so Brent could visit with her and them. I didn't have her number so I asked him to have her call me. I could hear the shock and surprise in his voice when I asked, and even more shock when I invited him (long story- save it for another blog).  He was excited, Brent was excited and I felt like we were doing the right thing.   However, God had other plans again (just an FYI I am often out of the loop when He has plans)
This past Sunday I was going to a baby shower and I asked my dad to keep Brent while the girls went to the shower- we were all set to go right after church.  The plan was drop off Brent to play with Grampy.  The phone rang at 11:30, just as church was ending, it was my step-mom Jill asking me to bring Brent's bathing suit and towel. My dad was going to take him swimming over at my aunt and uncle's house and Brandy, her boys and my uncle were going to be there. Wow, ok God- this works out even better- thanks! I shared with Brent what was going to happen and I watched his face light up! He was so excited!
The shower came and went, and I stayed as cool as a cucumber.  I didn't have any fears, anxiety or reservations about Brent's day.  I will admit I was very anxious to ask him all about it and hear how it went.  When he got in the car, he shared that he had a good time and he seemed in good spirits.  I asked him if he enjoyed the time with his brothers, to which he went on about how one can swim and the other can't. He had obviously enjoyed his time.  The mom in me couldn't help but wonder about her, so I asked
 "Did you talk to Brandy?"
 "Yeah, a little bit"
 "Did she ask you questions about you?"
 "Umm, a few, like about school and grades and stuff. Oh yeah and I asked her if I could call her mom."
 "Oh, what did she say?"
 "She said I could"
 "How do you feel about that?"
 "I feel great, because she is my mom too- she gave birth to me"
 "Yep, she sure did" and just like that he changed the subject.  One would think that at that time I would have been stirred or upset at that statement, but at that moment I was calm. I thought to myself, the boys were playing and calling her mom and knowing my son, he just wanted to join in and call her mom too.
Later that night however, the THUDS came!  When it was time for bed, I was talking to Brent about his blessings for the day.
 "One blessing was I got to see my other mom today and visit with my brothers." POKE
 "I'm glad I have two moms" JAB
 "I can't wait to see my mom again" STAB
What do you say? How do you feel? There is no text book for adopted parents on how to deal with these things. So what did I say? Nothing, I smiled for him. How did I feel? A little bit cheated that I had to share the title. How do I feel now? Confused. It's been a few days since Sunday and he hasn't spoken of her or his brothers, but the phrase "Can I call you mom?" lingers.  I can't tell him not to call her that, you can not, no matter how hard you try, make a child stop loving their parents.  They can be the worse people in the world and a child will always long for that parents approval. I can't be mad at him, he isn't wrong. He loves, he desires what should have been. He was just sharing his heart, his feelings.  When it all comes down to it, it's my issue and then I found this: For finding you mother, there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best. -Little Miss Spider
I know that I am his mom and I will be his forever mom but tonight I grasp that she is his mom too. She is worthy of the title in my eyes because she chose life for Brent! She chose to carry my son in her womb and give him a chance at life.  Then she loved him enough to give him to my husband and I. She dared to give Brent a life she could not and then sacrificed her wants and needs to give him his. Isn't that a mom too?