No your roll? Know you're roll? No your role? Know your role

I have begun a new journey in my life, a new role has been added to my resume- I am now an official FULL TIME DOMESTIC ENGINEER!  Thank you to the wonderful hard working husband I have, who has made it possible for me to be here with my family.  When I started tossing the idea around for the 1,000,000,000,000,000 time last year, I knew I had to pray about it because my first instinct to leave was not necessarily based on positive things that were happening at that particular time in my life.  I knew I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it was something Kevin and I had spoken about many, many times before.  I had to make sure I wasn't just running away from my problems. So I started asking "God, I really really want to stay at home next year, but financially I can not be irresponsible for my family, what is it you want me to do?"  and "Lord, help me realize this is your will and not mine"  I am pleased to say I listened and I heard....not once, but many times in many ways.
One of the boldest and strongest ways he spoke to me was through the thoughts of dreaming big for Him, I heard this message when I took some of our senior high girls to a christian girl's conference called ReVolve-the title of the conference was Dream On.  Then I attended a Women of Faith conference with the ladies from my church and the conference title was Imagine. So I began to dream and imagine BIG IDEAS for God.
In case you don't know me well, let me tell you one thing about me that is my strength and my weakness- I am great at getting ideas and feeling excited and sharing them with everyone who will listen, however the weakness is that I fail to follow through all the time.  I am afraid to commit (kind of ironic) to a plan all the way in fear that I might fail or I might not know what I am doing, so I will drop it!  I am confessing to the 4 people who read this blog, that I, Nina Smith am horrible at follow through! 
Imagine then, that here I am all pumped up for God with all these ideas running through my head about what I can do for God if I stay home.  And I am available now, so God can use me in soooo many different areas to help and organize and do things for the church and it's members.  I had a great burden to help do a mission outreach to Brand Whitlock tenants, but then overwhelmed myself so much with my big dreams that I cut myself off at the knees and have been frozen ever since.  Have you ever had that feeling?  Passionate and on fire one minute, but then you get too close and you turn down the fire?  I did and I have and now I am wondering "Lord, what is my role?"  "Where do you want me Lord?" and He says "Here, Listen"
"Ok Lord I am listening, speak now, tell me Lord, I really wanna know"
"Listen"
"Lord I listen, I am here and ready to go, got things to do, so tell me Lord!"
"Listen"
"Lord, I've got a lot I can do around my house to get it in order- do you want me to do something there?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I am free, do you want me to make myself available to one of the elderly women at our church to help take her out and drive her around to appointments and erands?
"Listen"
"Lord, I can take in a few kids into my home while I am waiting for you to tell me what my new role is, is that ok with you?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can really work on building up my ministry and working on the churches websites"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can organize more events and do more things for the church, with this extra time that I have"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can...." (Get the picture)
I am in a new role, and I am out of my old role.  I was Mrs. Smith the teacher, sharing the love of God with my students.  That's what I went to college for, that's what I thought I wanted to do with my entire working career. I thought that was my purpose in life.  But the desire is changed, the heart is in limbo wondering if that wasn't it, what is it? Where do I fit in now? I don't want to fall into habits that are dull and tedious, I want passion for life when I  wake up everyday I wanna be exciteded to be doing the Lord's work....but honestly... I am not there yet.  I am in the land of in between and I can't say that I like it..happy I am not where I was but not happy because I am not where I want to be. So the Lord says "Listen" not DO or GO....but just be here and listen" Speak Lord, your servant is listening (and putting a muzzle over her mouth now)
Job 40: 3-5 Job answered:  "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me.  I should never have opened my mouth!
I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."

It's that time of year again

Because I was so frequent in my blogging (pause for sarcasm) it's really not that hard to believe it's been a year since I blogged about the nasty stuff that happened last August.  It still doesn't seem that far removed from me, not because I recall the instances that happened but because I recall all the emotion that went with it.  It started with my nephew having a seizure and the snowball rolled down hill from there.
This year I am blessed and fortunate enough to say that August does not suck.. for me anyway.  What I am discovering however, is that this month does suck for a lot of other people and that...makes my heart ache.  I don't know what it is about this particular month, maybe it's coincidence or maybe it's not, but August has challenged those I love in so many ways.  I will not name names, but in the past week here's what those I love are enduring: death of a father, a house flooding, losing a business, a 14 year old girl in a drug induced coma because when she is awake her body can't stop seizing, dealing with the loss of a friend who took their own life and watching the spouse try to pick up the pieces and asking why, a baby who was shaken so much that they are now considered brain dead and a the decision to take this 4 month old off of life support, cars breaking down, a very young spouse being told he has to have open heart surgery, cancer returning in young and old cancer survivors, a foster family who have fostered many many kids is accused of abusing a child, loved ones dealing with depression, and I will stop there. Maybe you are one of them, maybe you are suffering and you think your suffering is greater than those above or maybe you think it's fairly insignificant compared to others.  Whatever the case may be, know that there is a God out there who is fully aware of what is going on and He wants YOU to share it with him.
Psalm 42:11 says "Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?  Why are you crying the blues?  Fix my eyes on God- soon I'll be praising again (Did you get that? SOON, SOON you will be joyful! This which you are going through will not last!) He puts a smile on my face, He's my God!
This is from my Power to Change Devotional:
All of us have moments when we feel discouraged by life’s circumstances. Sometimes our loved ones’ efforts to lighten our load or lift our spirits fall short, and we wonder if we will ever emerge from today’s trying situation with our joy intact.
It’s good to know that our Father invites us to confide in Him, to share our feelings honestly in prayer. He cares for us and understands our needs and weaknesses. His comforting words, “Be of good cheer,” can mean more to a hurting heart than anything else in the world.
These verses remind us that we can also encouraging ourselves to hope in God, and continue to praise Him, no matter how bleak our outlook may be. We can do this by singing psalms or hymns, or reflecting on His goodness and speaking well of Him. Of course, there are times when even this seems too difficult, but just whispering a praise can usher in a sense of liberty and peace.
There have been times when I thought, “I’ll never be cheered up.” Yet as soon as I began to remind myself of His mercy and goodness, the clouds would begin to disperse. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of our problems will receive a quick fix or that it will be smooth sailing from here on out, but it does mean that our faces will brighten, the weight of the burden will lessen. We will be free to experience the joy of the Lord in the midst of life’s storms and challenges.

Father, at times it seems as if nothing can cheer me up. Yet I am reminded to hope in You and continue to give You praise, because You are my God. I look to You today for Your holy joy, for Your peace that passes all human understanding, and because You are the health and the help of my sad expression. Encourage me through Your Holy Spirit, Amen.

MORE ENCOURAGEMENT
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest"
Jeremiah 31:2 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint"
Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles: they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and will not faint"