I want to preface this particular blog entry by saying that I absolutely am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of three great kids. I am honored that God chose me and Kevin to guide them and raise them up. I am grateful for the good, the bad and the crazy times we have together. I love my children, though not of my womb- conceived in my heart!
Right now, as we speak, I know 6 women who either just gave birth or are currently pregnant. They all come from very different walks of life, they vary in age from 20's to 30's and are of no particular marital, economic or cultural status. These are 6 beautiful women, with big loving hearts- perfect for first time motherhood or motherhood part 2 thru part 5! These women have been blessed with biologically conceiving a child within their womb. These women have been given the task of sacrificing their body image to bring forth life. These women who know what it feels like having morning sickness, weird cravings, peeing often, feeling fat and hormonally out of control. These women who know what it feels like to have a child move inside of them, feel the kicks, see them on an ultrasound, hear their tiny heart beat and watch them develop until they are finally ready to be presented to the world!
I am thrilled, beyond thrilled for them- I share in their joy and I delight with them! It is an exciting time in their life that they have been blessed with and as a friend or family member I get to share in that blessing!
The miracles of birth are simply that - a miracle. I can't even begin to comprehend how God thought us up and created us. I can't fathom how he designed all of our parts and systems to work together as one body. He knows how much hair is on their heads, He knows what color eyes they will have, He knows what their personality is going to be- what will make them laugh and cry. God knows what they will struggle with and what they will be gifted with. He already knows each unique baby inside and out. He knows if they will believe in Him or reject Him- and loves them still the same no matter what. He is/was in the womb (outside the womb) creating this delicate and intricately woven human being. I imagine that as He works in creating, He hums and smiles. I believe He whispers to them and sings to them. I believe that God is so intimate with His creation that He leaves His imprint upon us! These tiny miracles have been chosen for their momma's (and daddies and everyone else who will love them!) I believe deep in my heart- He was that way with me and He was that way with you- this is who He is. I imagine His big soft gentle hands cupping the babies and marveling at His creation. The deep, deep look of love that He feels looking down on them. Oh the plans He has for each of them. Plans to give them hope and a future!
Oh what Joy!!!! Ode to Joy/Ants Go Marching by the Piano Guys
On more than one occasion, when these momma's share their big news-their extreme joy, I notice sadness. I hear it in their voice, I can see it in their eyes. A cloud hovering as they announce that they are having a baby. This puzzled me the first couple times it happened. Why are you sad? Why so downcast? And then it comes out....these compassionate and loving momma's ache for me. They are so careful to consider me, so careful to not hurt my feelings because I have not been blessed in this particular way of having a child. They don't want to come across prideful or appear to gloat, they are sensitive and sweet and just that thought alone makes me cry. I love my momma friends out there- I need you! I am grateful to have you in my life and call you friend or family! How honored I am that in your joy, you consider what might be my pain. You are so sincere and so polite- it makes me love you all the more. But I beg of you- please, please don't be afraid of your joy! Because if it were me- you couldn't hold back my joy!
We are called to rejoice with others and mourn with others, there is a season for it all. This is your season- a season for your family, your unborn baby- your joy! Soak it up- cherish the good and the bad. You were called for this! This is not about me, it is not about my family-this is not our time! Thank you for being considerate but to all other future momma's out there- CELEBRATE! Life has begun in YOU!!! You were chosen- You were picked- You are perfect for the job- You are qualified with all that you need right now!
I won't deny there are not times when I have not felt jealous or sad- it happens. I can't predict when it will show up or why it shows up at times- but it does. But understand this...my husband and I realize this is our path- this is our story. He chose me too- in a different way...He picked me too- in a different way- He said I was perfect for this job- same job as you, so not in a different way (LOL) He says I am qualified- despite how very unqualified I feel. God picked my children like He chose yours. He created them in a different location- but He gave them to me in my heart like yours. I do feel a loss at times, things I miss out on or won't experience- but then I realize He has other things for me and for my hubby! He doesn't love me less because I have not been given a child to carry in my womb- He loves me differently.
I am sure I am not the only momma out there who feels like this, who is in my position- who knows maybe I am...but I would be missing out on a whole lot of wonderful if I focused on me and not on your joy! Thank you for thinking of me sweet momma's but your joy is my joy and I want to celebrate with you!