Never Stop Praying or You Might Get Hit with Dog Poo

Ive alluded to the fact in recent blog post that I have been struggling, that my family has been struggling.  Struggling with depression, struggling with finding joy and laughter again, struggling with my sin issues and struggling with my son's sin issues. I know I've mentioned it before, but all three of my children were adopted and all three are blessings from the Lord.  I don't doubt for a single second that He took great time, great care and hand picked these children to be in our hearts and lives forever.  Though not of our blood, these three kiddos couldn't be any more like us than if they had been. (Good and bad)
As an adoptive parent there have been several conversations my husband and I have had (and some in my head) over being qualified for this task He has given us.  Things like "Really God? I've got no skill training in this area- I've never owned a 3 and 1/2 year old before (I saw owned jokingly) how does this work? How do we do this? How do we handle that? But we understand none of them, not even the ones born through us, come with instruction books.  So on this front, we share the battle lines with ALL PARENTS in general.
But being an adoptive parent also brings its own special conversations, that biological parents can relate with but it's got a slightly different twist.  Conversations about failing our kids. We think things like "God if these kids were of my blood, would this be different? Would they be different?  Would this struggle be happening if they weren't adopted? Is it Nature or is it Nurture, meaning are they this way because of the way we raised them (screwed them up) or is this because of their DNA and how they are wired? (Screwed up on their own with history)
Don't get me wrong, I know we are all screwed up and none of us even come close to perfection in the parenting department, but sometimes I feel like I am really making a big mess of things.  I feel like these poor kids might have had a better life chance, if they were with other more spiritually mature parents. Parents who always know the right things to say and how to say it- not like a screaming, cursing fool that I can sometimes be.  Parents who are way more grounded in scripture and can whip it out whenever it's needed to encourage and build up. I am not saying this is right thinking by any means, but I am being honest here and these are the thoughts I've (we've) had.  Never in a million years did I have a thought that parenting would be easy, but I can also say honestly, I never thought in a million years that it would be this hard either.  Nothing prepares you for the big things,  when Satan throws those life crushing blows. There is often no warning of when he drops a giant bag of dog poo on you and lately my family has had an awful lot of poo dumped on us.
Here is what I understand with all of this so far, here is what God has been teaching me.
God is a good Father. (Matthew 7:11)
He is the creator of all living things. (Gen 1)
He loves all of His creation (regardless of how we feel about certain things- like mosquitos and murderers). (Gen 1)
He is the Alpha and Omega. (Rev 1:8)
He loved the world so much that He gave His only Son (Jesus), that whosoever shall believe in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
God loved us so much, in that while we were still sinners-He loved us and died for us! (Rom 5:8) All of us. All....of....us! He didn't wait for us to get clean and make things right by ourselves- He took us dirty, wretched, and sin filled.
God doesn't want perfection from us, He is perfection for us.
He was the ONE and only PERFECT parent- and boy did His kids really screw up! (Gen 3)
So if God was perfect and His kids were screwed up, than why do I think my parenting should be perfect when I am so far from perfection?  Why am I so hard on myself in my ability to parent, when I am only able to parent out of what I have learned along the way and who He has wired me to be?  If I proclaim that I am not a fit parent for my kids, am I not blaspheming God and telling Him He was wrong to pick me for this job?  See this is where He gets me every time....Wait for it.....If I am trying to be God, why do they need to know Him? If I am trying to be everything to them and fix it all, why would they go to God?  If I am my kids savior, why do they need a Savior?
Basically- I need to get out of the way and let God do what God does. I need to allow God to work through me without trying to take over and be in control and believe me, I love to be in control (well the illusion of it anyway)!
My job as a parent is to guide, protect and pray for my kids. I don't know if you have seen the War Room, but that movie has inspired me in how I am now tackling parenthood. We are in war against the dark principalities out there. The evil that seeks to destroy and annihilate families.  The evil that wants to crush the hearts and lives of all who proclaim that Jesus is Lord.  But we have the power, God has defeated this enemy and in the end WE WIN with Christ.  The enemy can attack and he can cause some devastating pain- but God is always in control!!! It is our job to raise our voices and claim our families for the Lord. It is our job to pray against and rebuke the attacks of the enemy.
I have been in battle for my son's soul for almost 3 years now.  The enemy is a prowling lion (1 Peter 5:8), waiting to devour my son- using his weakness and his struggles to attack him spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  He thrives off knowing my son feels defeated and cannot get past his struggles.  My 12 year old son is ready to give up because he thinks, this is all there is.  He feels life will never get better and things will always be the way they are now. This son of mine, who was abused significantly the first 3 1/2years of his life, whose mother made a choice to give him up- but keep his brothers. This son of mine who was exposed to pornography at the tender age of 9 and who was introduced sexually to things he had no business being exposed to. The son who now struggles with some very adult issues that are causing a great deal of pain and problems in his life. His choices have lead to great heart ache and great sorrow on a level that I don't wish on any parent or family. But  I have a hope for my son and that Hope is Jesus!
I realized that after watching War Room, that I had a calling for 2016.  This year I am called to be a warrior for the Lord. Which is kind of cool for me because I always wanted to be a Charlie's Angel, but God's Warrior Chick is so much cooler! I am called to stand against this darkness and fight. (Eph 6:10-18) Some battles we pick, some we have no say in joining, regardless of that choice I need to put on His full armor and walk bravely into the war zone.  I am called to the battle lines and stand firm in my faith. I am called to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God. (Micah 6:8)  I am to come boldly to the throne of Grace and ask God to help me (Heb 4:16), not attempt to do it in my own strength. Most importantly I need to be on my knees and never stop praying for anyone and everyone God brings to my mind (1 Thess 5:17).
 I realized tonight just how important that last statement is.  When things were bombarding my family- when the bags of poo were being flung without warning, I was on my knees, face down, prostrate before the Lord. I was crying out to Him regularly and battling daily. I was a woman on a mission, a woman who vowed not to give into the enemy and allow him to steal her family away. I was journaling, I was singing worship songs, I was growing a deeper faith with each challenge that came my way. I felt strong, I felt empowered, I felt there was nothing that God couldn't do! And then....
The bags of poo stopped, see the enemy knew I was prepared for them so, he came with a new attack a more subtle approach. I got prideful, I was like "Yea- take that Satan- you can't take me! As for me and my house we will serve the Lord- HA! How you like me now Satan? I can take it, cause I have the Lord-mmmm!" Peace began to emerge, things quieted down and my husband and I started to breath again.  I didn't feel like I was constantly looking over my shoulder for what was coming next. I began to relax, a little too much. I started noticing I wasn't on my knees as much. I wasn't in battle so I was good. Life is good God, I am good. But I could hear the whispers, day after day- "Nina, come back.  Sit here with me, I've got work for you." I would smile "Alright Lord, I'll be there in a minute- I've got to rest awhile. I've got to decompress. (Facebook, mindless brain numbing shows and games like Candy Crush Jelly)" I was good at decompressing, I liked it. I didn't have to think to much, or worry to much. God continued to call and I kept saying "I'll be right there Lord, tonight I will make time....(zzzzzzzzz)" Well God maybe tomorrow.  My prayer life didn't stop, it just got...lazy. I got lazy.
What happens when we get lazy? Sneak attacks!!  I should have seen him coming- but I was not on guard. I was not prepared. I was not fully awake at the post and he sucker punched me with dog poo again!  I won't lie, I did get angry, really, really angry. Angry that it happened again, angry that it happened on my watch, angry that I was the one who let the enemy in. I could blame no one but me. I let complacency set in and take over. Complacency was Satan's subtle approach-His crafty secret weapon.  Complacency was wrapped in comforts that I liked and I fell for it! But what Satan didn't know is that I have a new favorite saying "Not today Satan, not TOOOOO-DAY!" and rather than beat myself up over it and shame myself (which is how I used to deal with things) I saw what God's lesson was for me and I asked for His forgiveness and I went back to my post.  I didn't stay where I was or wish I had made a better choice and whine about my mistake, nope I cleaned myself off and  I realized that when I stop praying, no one is protected and the moral of the story is: Never stop praying or else you just might get hit with dog poo.

Joy, SONshine and Pain

My last blog I spoke about the darkness of depression. Even as I type this, I can feel it hovering around me on all sides. The darkness is just waiting for me to acknowledge it, it wants me to focus on it because when I do, I give it power. Do you understand what that feels like? Has there ever been a time when you could feel the weight of the darkness around you, waiting....waiting...waiting.

Before, if I looked at it, I would become paralyzed and not know what to do, how to feel or act. In the darkness, fear gripped me, my vision was stolen from me and I felt like I lost control. The air was always heavy and I noticed I would breath slower, not intentionally but rather instinctually, because in darkness sucker punches come from anywhere. That was before.

I see you darkness, I can recognize you and I understand what and who you are. Today, you are around me and I am able to see because of the Light. With Light there can be no darkness.

So I say it again, I see you. I see my enemy and I am choosing not to give you power. Today I am going to share how I choose to deal with my pain, today I am going to give God the power to use my words to give life to someone else. I do not give permission to the darkness to take this pain, I do not give it permission to overcome me or devour me. Today, I claim this feeling of darkness, this pain that is deep in my soul and I give it the Lord's plan and His purpose. Today I consider my trial, my pain, a gift and I rejoice in my suffering.

James 1: 2-4 (The Message)
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

James 1: 2-4 (NLT)
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

I did not always feel this way, because honestly, who in their right mind considers pain a gift? Is that something you would give to someone? Valentine's Day is today. How many of you are planning on going out and doing something that will cause pain to your loved one and then say "I love you babe, Happy Valentine's Day"? Insane right? America is sold on the idea of love and happiness and what it should look like. We say love shouldn't hurt, if someone makes you cry then toss them aside and find someone new. We want effortless relationships, we think this is natural right? Relationships aren't supposed to be hard, if they require effort they must not be worth it then right? Why do most people walk away from marriages- because they aren't happy.

Admit it, you have people on Facebook you have de-friended because they make you angry and they don't agree with your political or social thoughts and viewpoints. They say things that make you mad and make you shout obscenities at the screen (Props to the people who don't use swear words, God's still working on my heart with that one!) You shake your head and say, am I really friends with someone like this? I don't need this sort of stress in my life and within a matter of seconds-DELETE. Problem solved, back to being happy.

We as a nation, have this sense of entitlement, thanks to Disney, creative advertising and Social Media, we feel we are owed a fairy tale life with a happy ending. When it isn't easy, when there is hurt and pain, what is the easiest solution? Pack your bags and go where it's easy, go where you feel good, do what makes you happy. I say all because I am guilty of feeling this (Not towards my husband now, but definitely in past relationships). This is how I felt I was entitled to live my life. If I have a choice (And we all do) between living a life that is easy breezy or hard, I will naturally pick easy breezy every time. Is it because I am lazy and don't want to work for it? Sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to walk away from a friendship of 20 years if you don't like to argue and can't handle confrontation. We think- eh, I'll just find a new friend. We live in a very disposable society. People and things have no value to us if they don't make us happy. However, today I realized it's not just because I am lazy, it's because deep down inside I was created for that, and so were you.

In the beginning when God created the Heaven and the Earth (The Book of Genesis) and Man and Woman, He placed us in a Utopic environment. We had all our needs met, we lacked for nothing and we had relationship with our Heavenly Father. We had it all!!! Imagine walking along side of God everyday-physically being in His presence, in HIS PRESENCE!!! Face to face with the One who created you. The one who put the stars in the sky, the one who made something out of nothing with His breath! Adam and Eve had it, they didn't have to work for it, there was no stress, no heartache, there was no enmity between Adam and Eve. (Imagine always getting along with your loved one) They had easy breezy and then....they gave it all away! With one choice, one decision (SIN) we surrendered easy breezy and we've been trying to get back to it ever since. Intrinsically we all long for that because that was what we were created for. (The whole giving away our easy breezy/SIN is a blog topic I will save for another time- Focus Nina, Focus)

My point is, don't feel bad for wanting easy breezy, it's natural. But because we no longer have access to easy breezy, we feel the void in our lives. We ache for it, we know that something is missing, so we go about all sorts of ways to achieve the pursuit of happiness! Trying to find happiness with shopping, drugs, money, food,- whatever you try to fill the void with. Only it never is satisfied, the void is always there. If I feel bad, I eat, I take drugs, I shop..I(Fill in the blank). Why? Because we don't like to feel the void, we don't like the pain and darkness and we think other things will make us happy. One of the greatest lessons I have learned, and want to share today is: Quit chasing happy, embrace the pain, welcome the Joy and fill the void!

Statistics say that people actually THRIVE when they are in their most challenging situations, athletes get better at their sport when they are pushed and challenged, caterpillars struggle before becoming butterflies, trees grow taller and stronger because the winds blow and they endure various types of weather. Even the seed starts out in the dark ground, but as it is nourished and the light shines, eventually it grows through the darkness and into the sunlight. It is in the dark, like the seed, in our trials and struggles that we find out what we are really made of. Do we allow ourselves to grow or do we wither away?

Think about this for a moment, if bad never happens to us, if things are good all the time, then how can we appreciate and know what is good? Admit it, the same thing all the time, every day isn't exciting, it becomes blasé. If we had it perfect all the time, eventually we would find something to not like about it. We would take it for granted. Adam and Eve had it and took the good for granted, I guess nothing much has changed in a few thousand years. We simply can never exist with all happiness all the time, at least while we are here on Earth we can't.

So here is the million dollar question, if we know that life is going to have darkness and dark times (because it will) what attitude do we take? As I see it, we can approach it two ways:

1. Runaway and avoid, try at all cost to escape any type of pain or suffering in the pursuit of being eternally happy and live a life devoid of problems. Cut off relationships with people and avoid discomfort (well try to anyway).

The very definition of happiness is: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation) and fortunate and convenient. (Google Dictionary)

So by this definition you will constantly be seeking pleasure or contentment in order to be truly happy. However, realizing what we already know above, eventually in everything we will stop being content, our sins, our vices do not fill the void, nor do they make us content. If you are not content or lose pleasure in what once made you happy- can you achieve total happiness? 

Unless a person is completely without flaws and perfect in all ways, (BTW...I only know One personally, message me and I will tell you all about Him) will you ever have full confidence or satisfaction in them? 

And lastly, if it's fortunate and convenient, then isn't happiness really a temporal feeling that leaves based on circumstances? Happiness is a state of mind and if you are never content, always seeking to avoid issues and problems, running away from relationships, never having secure confidence in a situation for knowing everyone has flaws- is happiness possible? Stick with me.

OR

2. Embrace the period of darkness, recognize that it is there and it stinks! Realize we have no control of how, when and where the darkness will come from, we don't know how long it will last and therefor realize we have no control over any of it. Once you realize you really don't have control, it's shouldn't be that hard to surrender the facade of control. After all, God has been the One with all the control anyway, you are just acknowledging your position and releasing yourself to His hands, inviting Him who is light- into your darkness. Go on, wave that white flag and let that freaky flag fly!!!

Upon surrendering what happens next will amaze and astound you. It makes no sense to the outside world. God will nurture you by feeding you and refreshing you with His Word and Living Water (Aka The Bible). He will restore your soul, filling you with strength you never knew you could have, flooding you with a rock solid hope and peace in knowing that He has got this for you.  Your circumstances may not change, and often times get worse. You still won't know how, when, where or why about the darkness, but it won't matter because you've got the Light and suddenly you can see and the darkness isn't so scary. You will find peace in pain and a security unlike any other, with this peace you discover true joy! (And no happiness and joy are not the same)

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of your life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation. (Rick Warren)

Joy is possible in any circumstance because it isn't based on circumstance (like happiness) it's based on your confidence and hope in the Lord. But how do you trust Him? How can you not???? In case you didn't know this yet, we serve an active and living God. He doesn't just sit on the sidelines and cheer you on from Heaven "Hey good job down there, way to go!". He isn't up on His throne, playing wingman, telling you what to do "Boogie @ 3 o'clock, missiles aimed directly at you, go left!" He isn't far away and removed, He is everywhere near you, always! He will be there walking behind you, giving you a shove when you are too scared to move forward. Some days you will be back to back, He will be covering you from behind so that the enemy can not sneak up on you. He may be standing in front of you, asking you to put your hands on His shoulder's and let Him lead you safely through. He could be arm and arm with you helping you take that next step after falling down or maybe you are having a day where you simply can't move at all, He won't desert the wounded, no my friend He carries them for as long as He needs too. So if He is everywhere near you, always- how can you not trust Him?

If He created you for His enjoyment and His pleasure to be in relationship with Him, why would He ever want to harm you? How can that not bring you peace and joy? He miraculously fills the void and suddenly you find you are not looking into the abyss of pain, you are looking up to the eyes of the Redeemer who rescues and saves. And overtime you acknowledge that God is the one who takes away the pain and gives Joy, you take the power from the enemy away. The enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Every word of praise that focuses on the Light instead of the Darkness- diminishes the hold of the darkness over you. 

So today if you are in darkness, if you are constantly seeking happiness in all areas of your life, maybe it's time to re-evaluate. Maybe it's time to pick #2 instead of #1. Quit chasing happy, embrace the pain, welcome the Joy and fill the void!

Lord,

The darkness is around us, but it doesn't have to be in us. May we give our hearts freely to you and receive the Light of your Truth in our hearts. May you help us to understand fully that happiness will never eliminate our pain, because happiness is only temporal. I pray that tonight hearts out there, would recognize the darkness  for what it really is and take away it's power by giving you full power and control. You are the Light of the World and only You can cause the darkness to flee, only You can turn mourning into dancing, only You can fill our hearts with joy in the midst of great sorrows.  So many of us are chasing the world's view of happiness and becoming more and more disillusioned and depressed. We are searching for the wrong answers to fix what is spiritually wrong.  I pray for the madness to stop and for eyes to be open, for ears to hear and for eyes to SEE Your Truth. Bring Your Light Lord and shine it brightly into the dark places in our lives, so that we may be fully exposed to you. Thank you for the gift of pain and the gift of joy. In Your precious and holy name- Amen

***BTW I want to give credit to Disney they did get something right, though not the fairy tale ending- better yet true reality! Inside/Out nailed it- Joy and Sadness need each other for growth!

Here are some encouraging scriptures about LIGHT

John 8:12Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”
John 1:5
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it
Psalm 30:11
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy
Psalm 97:11
Light shines on the godly, and joy on those whose hearts are right.

I have a Hope!

Have you ever had a struggle, that last for so long, that hurt so badly you never thought it would end? When it's so dark in the hole that you are in, you wonder if you will ever be able to see the sunlight again?  

Have you ever felt you couldn't breath to loud because if you did, something might come along and just snatch that breath right out of your body? 

Do you hold your breath at times because of fear, that the other shoe will drop? 

Do you know what it's like to have your hopes believe that tomorrow will be different and things will finally start to change- but they don't- and so you continue to wait?  

But as you wait, your hope is slipping away, parts of you feel numb and begin to die. Life, honestly seems unbearable. 

You question your purpose and why you are in this place? What does it all mean? What good will come of this suffering, this heartache, this pain?

All the strength you possess is wasted just getting yourself out of bed, so you can face the day. Then with the first step it hits you, the fear that this will be the best you feel all day because the attacks haven't started yet.

Depression and loneliness sink into your heart, you isolate yourself because you really don't want to talk about what's wrong to one more incredibly helpful, well meaning person.

In the isolation, darkness grabs you tighter. Your will to press on is almost gone and you have no one to help carry you because of that isolation.

You are tired...so very tired. Weary. You just want the chaos in your heart to stop.

You are in a sense, shattered and broken. "And all the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldn't put you back together again..." OK, but really, how would horses help put you back together? That's just ridiculous (wink)

I write this, because I know this darkness. In the bible, Job knew this darkness too.

Job 23:17 "Darkness is all around me;

thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere."

Do you recognize it? Have you or are you experiencing it right now?

Is just the mere mention of this darkness, painful even to acknowledge as you are reading this?

My friend, I have come with a message of hope to encourage you. I am witness to the One who can deliver you from this darkness. I have been on and continue to be on a heartbreaking journey of motherhood with my oldest child.  I have been in this darkness for several years now, and it is only recently that my eyes have been open and my ears can now hear the truth. I have read and heard scripture verses, worship songs, listened to other's testimonies, read books by Christian authors, attended seminars and workshops- I was full of God's Good News for years! But it was only recently that I allowed Him to penetrate my heart and transform me. I am being transformed and I am being renewed daily and because of that, I write this today for you. 

I want you to know that it's not hopeless, the struggle will end, there is light at the end of the tunnel, the shoe won't drop, the walls won't cave in, you can breathe freely. The Creator of the Universe, the one who made the stars in the heavens, who knows the amount of sand on all the beaches in the world- made you! He is so in love with you and wants to deliver you from this evil, this bondage that has you captive- all you have to do, all I had to do, was surrender. Give in to Him, wave your white flag and drop into His loving arms. You are safe in the shadow of His wing, you will find comfort for your soul, you will find rest, you will find renewed strength, you will once again, find HOPE! It's not a mythological fairytale- it's not wishful thinking- it's not karma! It's the power of the Risen King.

It's so simple, but so very hard- to surrender. What does that mean? What does it look like?

That depends on you? 

Do you know God? 

Have you accepted His Free gift of Salvation through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus Christ?

Do you trust Him and His Word?

Do you trust that He will lead and guide you safely? 

If you can answer yes to those, then right now- declare it out loud. In your words or mine *LORD- I am in bondage. I need you. I can not do this alone or on my own. I confess my control in trying to keep it together and do it my way or on my own. I realize the more control I have tried to attain, the more damage that's been done. Things are not getting better and I can't fix it. Please forgive me for holding on and trying to steer life the way I think I should. Forgive me for my pride of thinking I know better than you, that I don't need you - obviously that's not really working out to well for me. I surrender Lord- I give it all to you right now. I wave my white flag and I lay my darkness at your feet. I don't want this crap anymore. I am tired of sadness and heartache. I want joy back and I want peace back in my life. I am tired of feeling hopeless, I am tired of (NAME YOUR BONDAGE). Merciful Father, I lift my hands to you to be used for your will, not mine. Use me as you want to, not as I think I should be used. I don't want to be in charge anymore, I resign my position to you Lord and I bow humbly, prostrate before you and cry out for deliverance. In Your Name I pray- Amen!  

Now that you have laid it at his feet, leave it there- then pick up your bible and read the book of Psalms! Read it all- soak it up. Read the cries of David, find comfort in the words. Draw upon it for strength. Then start writing down, specifically, all that you want Him to do-pour out your heart- ask Him. Be bold! Then BELIEVE His word and His promises. Stand firm and secure in Him! Praise Him for hearing you, for answering your prayers and working in your life. Praise Him for the good and the bad (Ask him to show you how He will use the bad- because He will!)

Psalms 28:6-8a "Praise the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him will all my heart.  He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of Thanksgiving. The Lord gives His people strength."

Now here comes the hard part. Here's the real. Your situation may or many not go away. Your problem may even become harder. You may face greater trials- BUT I can promise you that if you truly let the Lord lead your life and guide you- You will be different! Your mind will change, your heart will change and your thoughts will change. He will transform you by the renewing of your mind. You will find peace, you will find light in dark times. You will find the joy and peace because your hope, my HOPE is in the Lord. And as long as He has my back, I press on and I trust Him. Feelings are false and can lie- Faith is real and can be tested and trusted! There will be days that are bad before you even step out of bed, but if you take that moment before getting up and place it in the Lord's hand- I promise you friend you will experience a difference. 

Maybe you will have to surrender minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Do it- don't let the enemy win. The enemy is a roaring lying that seeks to destroy and devour you- let him roar. Picture Simba as a cub in the movie "The Lion King" trying to roar like his dad Mufasa, it was a sad and pitiful roar. Then picture Mufasa's mighty roar- That my friends is God! He is the great LION! He is our Defender, our Deliverer, our Protector! The King of Creation has this one- sit back and watch Him work.

Maybe you aren't there yet, you don't know about this God and all this mumbo jumbo- that's OK. He believes in you, even if you don't believe in Him yet. But I challenge you to give it a shot-surrender your doubt of who He is and what He has done for you (John 3:16) start seeking God out. He will meet you, You will find him when you look for Him. Feel free to e-mail and ask me any questions you might have about who He is, I will gladly share with you all that I can and if I can't, then I will point you to someone else who can. 

Over the next few weeks and months I will share with you this painful journey I am on. My hope is to encourage you to fight with me in this battle for our hearts and the lives of those we love. I write to ask you to join me and pray for me and my family as we face the enemies daily attacks and in return if you have a prayer request please share it with me. We can do this together! The battle has already been won and victory belongs to the Lord!

Father, thank you for this time of writing- thank you for the words you give to me. Help me to be focused on sharing what you want and not just what I think I should write. I surrender control of this blog to you. Be with those who read this and draw them closer to your heart so that they might discover Your true heart. Thank you for being my hope and for rescuing me! 

All Glory and Honor and Power be to You- forever and ever! Amen

Don't be Afraid of Your Joy

I want to preface this particular blog entry by saying that I absolutely am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of three great kids.  I am honored that God chose me and Kevin to guide them and raise them up. I am grateful for the good, the bad and the crazy times we have together. I love my children, though not of my womb- conceived in my heart!

Right now, as we speak, I know 6 women who either just gave birth or are currently pregnant.  They all come from very different walks of life, they vary in age from 20's to 30's and are of no particular marital, economic or cultural status.  These are 6 beautiful women, with big loving hearts- perfect for first time motherhood or motherhood part 2 thru part 5! These women have been blessed with biologically conceiving a child within their womb. These women have been given the task of sacrificing their body image to bring forth life.  These women who know what it feels like having morning sickness, weird cravings, peeing often, feeling fat and hormonally out of control. These women who know what it feels like to have a child move inside of them, feel the kicks, see them on an ultrasound, hear their tiny heart beat and watch them develop until they are finally ready to be presented to the world!

I am thrilled, beyond thrilled for them- I share in their joy and I delight with them! It is an exciting time in their life that they have been blessed with and as a friend or family member I get to share in that blessing! 

The miracles of birth are simply that - a miracle. I can't even begin to comprehend how God thought us up and created us. I can't fathom how he designed all of our parts and systems to work together as one body. He knows how much hair is on their heads, He knows what color eyes they will have, He knows what their personality is going to be- what will make them laugh and cry. God knows what they will struggle with and what they will be gifted with. He already knows each unique baby inside and out.  He knows if they will believe in Him or reject Him- and loves them still the same no matter what.  He is/was in the womb (outside the womb) creating this delicate and intricately woven human being. I imagine that as He works in creating, He hums and smiles. I believe He whispers to them and sings to them. I believe that God is so intimate with His creation that He leaves His imprint upon us! These tiny miracles have been chosen for their momma's (and daddies and everyone else who will love them!) I believe deep in my heart- He was that way with me and He was that way with you- this is who He is. I imagine His big soft gentle hands cupping the babies and marveling at His creation. The deep, deep look of love that He feels looking down on them. Oh the plans He has for each of them. Plans to give them hope and a future! 

Oh what Joy!!!!  Ode to Joy/Ants Go Marching by the Piano Guys

On more than one occasion, when these momma's share their big news-their extreme joy, I notice sadness. I hear it in their voice, I can see it in their eyes.  A cloud hovering as they announce that they are having a baby. This puzzled me the first couple times it happened. Why are you sad? Why so downcast?  And then it comes out....these compassionate and loving momma's ache for me. They are so careful to consider me, so careful to not hurt my feelings because I have not been blessed in this particular way of having a child. They don't want to come across prideful or appear to gloat, they are sensitive and sweet and just that thought alone makes me cry.  I love my momma friends out there- I need you! I am grateful to have you in my life and call you friend or family! How honored I am that in your joy, you consider what might be my pain. You are so sincere and so polite- it makes me love you all the more. But I beg of you- please, please don't be afraid of your joy! Because if it were me- you couldn't hold back my joy! 

We are called to rejoice with others and mourn with others, there is a season for it all. This is your season- a season for your family, your unborn baby- your joy! Soak it up- cherish the good and the bad. You were called for this! This is not about me, it is not about my family-this is not our time! Thank you for being considerate but to all other future momma's out there- CELEBRATE! Life has begun in YOU!!! You were chosen- You were picked- You are perfect for the job- You are qualified with all that you need right now! 

I won't deny there are not times when I have not felt jealous or sad- it happens. I can't predict when it will show up or why it shows up at times- but it does. But understand this...my husband and I realize this is our path- this is our story. He chose me too- in a different way...He picked me too- in a different way- He said I was perfect for this job- same job as you, so not in a different way (LOL) He says I am qualified- despite how very unqualified I feel.  God picked my children like He chose yours. He created them in a different location- but He gave them to me in my heart like yours. I do feel a loss at times, things I miss out on or won't experience- but then I realize He has other things for me and for my hubby! He doesn't love me less because I have not been given a child to carry in my womb- He loves me differently.

I am sure I am not the only momma out there who feels like this, who is in my position- who knows maybe I am...but I would be missing out on a whole lot of wonderful if I focused on me and not on your joy! Thank you for thinking of me sweet momma's but your joy is my joy and I want to celebrate with you!

Has it really been that long?

What makes me laugh as I am typing this particular blog post, is thinking about my title "The Committed Mom".  How ironic is it that my last post was quite a long time ago? What does that say about my commitment? What does that say about me?  I joke, but I am also secretly embarrassed. This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a 1 day simulcast conference in Detroit for my new business (YEA ME- I HAVE A NEW BUSINESS, I'll save that for another blog).  While I was there I had the joy and privilege of listening to a woman speak, who is lovingly referred to as "Coach Dar". She was amazing and she spoke directly to my heart and soul.  I can honestly say there are changes  taking place in me right now, that were spurred on because she took the time to share her passion and her heart.  I don't doubt for one moment that God organized this entire conference just so I would hear her words. (Ok maybe the conference was actually for the business, but I shall cling to the idea that it was just for me).  Coach Dar helped me realize some things about myself that I want to change, that I have wanted to change so desperately for so long- but have lacked the ability, passion and drive to do so. Coach Dar spoke truth in love and simply lifted the blinders off my eyes about how I see myself and where I see myself going.

This business that I am currently involved in, has blessed me with an incredibly positive mentor/director (or soon to be director). She is always on me about my goals and what do I want to do with them? Where do I see myself in my business? Let me tell you a little secret about me- the word GOALS scares me to death! It conjures up feelings and emotions that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe I fear the word because I am excellent at starting something, I get inspired, have great ideas and motivations- I am a truly excellent sprinter in the beginning! However, I can not run the entire race. I lose interest, I get distracted, I become self-defeated, I say I can't do this anymore it's too hard, I don't like it or  I don't really want it that bad.  I don't want to be a really excellent sprinter anymore. It's unsatisfying and it leaves me feeling bad about myself.  I haven't truly accomplished anything.  For crying out loud I was even determined to do a Couch to 5K and rallied people to do the Color Run with me before I turned 40. I said I am gonna do this, join me- and they did! Guess what- I didn't! I made excuses and backed out. Sadly, this added to my fuel of not setting goals- because now I was disappointing lots of people. People who were supporting me, people who rallied behind me. I wasn't just letting me down anymore and so I ran away and hid. I hid from things that called me and challenged me. I avoided things I knew God was calling me to do, I avoided being a fool and disappoint by not doing anything. To get right to the point, the word Goals makes me feel like a failure before I even start.

So there it is, Goals = Failure to me, until Coach Dar! I share this with you, in case there is anyone else out there who struggles with the word GOALS.  May her words inspire you, like they inspired me!
*2015 won't be a New Year, unless there is a new you
*If your life was to end tomorrow, would you be happy with how people remembered you?
*Are you a person of excellence? Do you live and act as a truly excellent human being?
In the playbook of greatness- these are the top 5 plays!
1. Successful people have a core purpose- they reach their goals because they have a WHY. What is your life's mission statement? What is your purpose for your goals?  If your goals are not based on your core values and beliefs, then you will fail!
2. Raise the Bar- Be an exceptional person- Ask yourself constantly- is this how a person of excellence acts? Is this what they do? Is this how they speak?
3. Commit to the Grind- do the mundane, be intentional. Successful people are different from Unsuccessful people because they do the things the Unsuccessful people don't want to do.
4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Push past your comfort zone, grow those muscles! Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is facing it head on!
5. Surround yourself with those who will push you, challenge you and make you a better person.  Pick your fab 5- choose wisely.

Now, to be completely fair- I can not give Coach Dar all the credit, because honestly God has been whispering to my heart for the past few months now. The word UNCOMFORTABLE has become a part of my everyday life....my whole life has been very uncomfortable, again I'll save that for another blog entry!  But here is what I want, deep in my heart, I want to be a truly excellent marathon runner! I want to be a woman of excellence. I want to be a woman of integrity.  I want to be a woman who encourages and models that for her daughters. I want my 2015 to be a new year and I want to be a new me!  If my life ended tomorrow, I want people to say she gave her all to be a woman of excellence.  I have finally realized my WHYS for my goals were always wrong- this time I think I have it right.  My goals- no matter what area of my life- simply boil down to one WHY!
***I want my life to glorify the Lord, in word and in deed.*** I want to exemplify Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

So now I am raising the bar! In fact I even walked back half an aisle at the grocery store to put back a bag of Doritos, rather than leave them on a random shelf after deciding I didn't want them. I walked my grocery cart back to the cart coral, rather than leave it for someone else to collect. Are these big changes? Not necessarily, but I asked myself "Would a person of excellence do this? How would a true follower of Christ act?  These task they were small, they were mundane, they were the grind and  it is definitely doing something that other people don't want to do- I didn't want to do. But I did it, it was outside of my comfort zone- and these small acts will inspire bigger acts. I know I won't do it all the time, and I will forgive myself when I don't but I will push forward because this time, this year I am focused more on my WHY. With my Why I am less likely to lose interest because it's about HIM not me. I am more likely to be more confident- because I will be looking to Him to encourage me and guide me. When I want to say I give up, its too hard- He is there to remind me I don't have to do anything- He can do it through me.  His words will never leave me feeling bad about myself  or leave me unsatisfying. And as for surrounding myself with my Fab 5 and people to encourage me- He has supplied me with a generous amount of people to choose from!

I am blessed and honored to be able to blog again,  I only hope that I can encourage someone the way that I have been encouraged. I have really missed blogging and I am glad that I am re-committing myself to do. I look expectantly to what 2015 will bring, because I already know 2015 is going to be a new year, because God has already changed me into a new me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6J7L6RP6Lc

The Shortest Things Can Make You Cry

It was an ordinary day, nothing bad- nothing particularly special- it was just a day.

Even my kids were ok.  No major crises or meltdowns today. No drama for this momma.

I was sitting at a fast food drive thru waiting to pay for my food when I decided to check Facebook.
Nothing out of the ordinary, I do it habitually without thinking a million times a day.  Don't know why I do it- but it was not unusual for me to do it.

And there it was...

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me- had no freakin idea what they were talking about.  That is simply one of the biggest lies ever said on the face of the planet, throughout history spoken words have left incredibly painful scars in many people. Words from childhood teasing and taunts, words of abuse from loved ones, words of jealousy from haters, words of anger, words of frustration...painful, painful stab wounds left on our hearts from WORDS.

These words, however, were not spoken words-these were written words. Granted they were someone's thoughts, said in their head and typed onto a screen, but they were given a voice as I read them and felt them. It was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so that I could not breath.

What is ironic about the words that I read is that they were someone else's praise! In their life this person, who is so close to my heart, is going through something so incredible, so life changing and so beautiful they wanted to share with the whole Facebook world. Why wouldn't you want to share your blessing with world- who wouldn't be happy for you in times of joy?

I can honestly say that any other time this person shared their praise with me I was overjoyed and delighted for them.  This is not their first trip down this road, but it is still exciting to be apart of it with them. But this night, this ordinary night-my heart did not rejoice. One sentence, flipped my ordinary night upside down:

"And so it starts...I feel movement, this is fantastic!" 

Tears...jealousy...anger...hurt....tears, tears, tears....lots and lots of tears.

At this stage in my life, I do not know what it feels like to carry a child in my womb.  I don't understand what it feels like to be sitting there and all of the sudden feel movement within my body. I don't know what the little fluttering feeling is, I only know of what other's have shared.  I can imagine there is no other feeling comparable in the world.

My favorite story of Jesus birth, is when Mary goes to see her cousin Elizabeth.  Mary has not yet told Elizabeth she is expecting, but as she nears Elizabeth- the baby that is in Elizabeth's womb leaps for joy! It makes my heart smile to imagine this- just like it makes my heart smile to hear the people I love experience this too. What a precious, precious blessing  to receive and yet I don't know if I will ever personally experience this sacred blessing.

So when the person close to my heart shared their excitement this time, rather than rejoice in it- without being able to control it- my heart reacted a different way.

First came the tears...instantly....I didn't have time to think or process the tears just came- hot and fast.
It caught me so off guard, that I then questioned "Why am I crying? How selfish of me!"  but as soon as I thought it I heard my Father say "Don't keep it from me, tell me....I already know"  I realized I was trying to control it, I was trying to PRETEND- to make myself feel bad for feeling what I felt.  God wanted me to be real....so I gave it to Him out loud, through the sobbing and tears

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"WHY CAN'T I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?"
"I WANT TO KNOW THAT FEELING"
"I WANT TO EXPERIENCE A CHILD IN MY WOMB!"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME LORD?"

As soon as I released the words, a peace came over my heart. Suddenly releasing them out loud to God, freed me from the internal voices that can sometimes be deceitful and lie to you. I should have prefaced this by saying that this wasn't the first time God and I have had this talk and I am confident in saying it will not be the last.  Many of times I thought I had my act together and I had accepted the possibility of me not having children, many times I felt it's ok- I have two terrific kids and I should be happy with what I have.  But then something happens and I become this hot mess and feel like I am back at step one all over again.

Here is what I have learned from my many wrestlings with God:
1. I am deeply and passionately loved by the Creator of the Universe, for God so loved the world that He sent His only SON to die on the cross for my sins, so that I might have eternal life. (John 3:16)  Which means He wants to be with me!  Because I believe this I know.
2. That I am a child of God. I am the daughter of a King, Heir to His throne.(Romans 8) because I am the daughter of a King, there are blessings and riches waiting for me- far beyond what I can ever imagine here on Earth. My Father desires to lavish me with his blessing- He wants me to share in His glory!  As I sit here I think about my own children and what I wouldn't do for them or what I wouldn't sacrifice and give up for their happiness...and if I being Human desire to give good and do good for my kids- how much more does God have for me and desire good for me?  And because I believe this I know...
3. I know that He desires the best for my life Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, :"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope." So because I have faith and believe this than I know that a God who loves me so much, died for my sins- paid for my mistakes, who has crowns and riches waiting for me, who has desires to do good for me- Why, why would He keep a baby from my womb just to hurt me? Truth: He wouldn't.

My father knows me intimately, He created me and knows everything about me.  There is no where I can go to get away from Him (Psalm 139) No thought can I have that He doesn't already know.  He knows my deep desire to conceive a child in my womb. He knows how badly I want to experience what Elizabeth did and what the person I love did.  He knows the longing, the aching, the tears.  Because He knows- this is where my faith must come in more, because He knows and does not allow it to happen I need to trust that it is not happening for a reason. I need to trust in His truth and promises to give me hope and a future.

I  trust that if I am not going to be sharing in this joy, that there is a reason why.  I may never know why this side of heaven, do I WANT to know why? Abso-freakin-lutely!  Do I NEED to know why? No, because my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts.  He knows better than I for my life- He knows the outcome and what is to become of me.  I trust Him, I may not like it or agree or ever understand- but I trust Him. I trust that He is walking with Kevin and I as we deal with this ache in our hearts, that with each situation that brings us to our knees- He understands our pain, He will carry us through and strengthen our faith.

So the words in that one sentence broke my heart-but His words restored my heart and well I just had to blog about that!

**TO THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE SENTENCE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS- I LOVE YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE MY JEALOUSY AND KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART I AM TRULY EXCITED AND JOYFUL OVER YOUR BLESSING! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE DAY YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY COMES INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN LAVISH IT WITH LOVE! THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE APART OF YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SHARING YOUR BLESSINGS WITH ME**

Can I Really Handle This Responsibility?

Did you ever just stumble upon responsibility?  It wasn't something you expected, it just sort of found you or fell in your lap? Maybe you wanted it, maybe you didn't, maybe you wanted it and it didn't turn out the way you envisioned it, but it happened and now you have to deal with the responsibility. Sometimes when we have that responsibility we dread it, we complain about it, we wonder how we will manage it. We lose sleep over it and/or gain an incredible amount of stress.  Sometimes everything we know and do is changed and we have to figure out how to live with this new responsibility. We struggle and fight to manage, to exist, to breath.  You ask yourself "Can I really handle this responsibility?"

When God brought our son into our lives, it was a responsibility we were not looking for.  Granted we knew we wanted kids and we knew we weren't going to wait to long, after marriage, to have them. We just never anticipated it would happen the way God orchestrated.  Which is kind of funny to think about now, because honestly most of my life did not happen the way I planned- I hear God giggling quietly now as I type. (Ok, so maybe I should have asked Him first- His way is always better than mine anyway.  Moving on...) 

When our son first came to us we found ourselves taking foster parent classes through the county, we were under the impression we had to take them in order to keep him with us. So we endured 12-3 hour classes only to discover we didn't need them at all, but SURPRISE you are now licensed foster parents! Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, because my husband and I actually did discuss fostering and adopting- but again it wasn't a plan we had put into action, we were really good at talking about it before then. Here's where God's sense of humor strikes again, do you see what He did.  He pushed us out of the "nest" and said "Enough talking you two. It's time to take action.You have a son, you are licensed foster parents, so now let's give you some more responsibility, I've got this 15 month old baby girl waiting just for you!"PLOP right into our heart and home. It's kind of miraculous how He works! 

Because God works the way He does in our lives, it really wasn't a surprise when we got a call in September of 2012 from the county asking us if we were interested in taking in a 2 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. What?  I am 37 years old, I can barely keep up with the two I have- seriously two babies in diapers?? I am lazy and tired Lord.  I just got Lottie and Brent to a point where I could sleep until 8:30 and now you want me to chase two little ones, are you joking? Can I really (Can we really,) handle this responsibility? But here's the kicker folks- this beautiful boy and girl weren't just any foster kids, they were my daughter's half-siblings (they share the same mother). DUN DUN DUN! How do we say no to that?  How do we turn away from this responsibility?We don't, we couldn't, we didn't. 

Slight back story detour: When the 2 year old was born we went down to children services to discuss taking him into our home. We were told the agency likes to keep siblings together, so when we found out about him after the agency placed him with another foster family,  we were upset to say the least.  However, God had a plan and after lots of praying and discussing with the agency, we felt it was not what God wanted us to do.  We felt confident that we did not want to rip him away from a family that he was already bonded with and we walked away confident and secure in our choice. A year later, we had heard a rumor that there was a second sibling born and that the mother and father were on their way to obtaining permanent custody, once again we felt we had made the right choice. So when this phone call came, we knew something was different because this time Kevin and I both felt an urgency to say yes.

My brain began to create this fantasy scenario- I began to romanticize why they were coming to us.  I thought God wants them to be apart of our family, we will take them in and like Brent and Lottie we will adopt them if that option becomes available to us- bada bing, bada boom- our family will almost be complete (We would like 5 kids)!  And why wouldn't the option become available to us? God was placing them with us!  I was not being rational and I was NOT being realistic.  My well grounded hubby on the other hand, did not have those same thoughts.  If fact while I was thinking family growth he was thinking in the moment- they need a home, they are our daughter's siblings so they should be with us. Never did he think  about the duration of their stay or the permanency of their stay- just that they needed a place to stay.

The reason for the call was because the foster family the kids had been staying with, was moving away within weeks to another state and they needed placement.  The urgency we felt, we now realize was just that- urgency to move and act because their whole world was about to be turned upside down and we needed to be stability for them.  We had the pleasure of meeting their foster family (Let's call them the White family) and they were amazing!!! We adored them and instantly bonded with them. The Whites had adopted 5 kids from ages 15-4 and were hoping to adopt Lottie's siblings (let's call them Kate and Kai) and move. The White family felt a new environment would be good for them all, a new start for their new family. They decided to move their whole family away from their entire family here for the best interest of these two babies. They were so confident that they would be able to adopt Kate and Kai they got rid of their home here and arranged for a home in the state they wanted to move to.  They were prepared, they were ready and then the bottom dropped out on their dream and due to some very upsetting circumstances they had to move without their babies. 

With heavy hearts they passed Kate and Kai off to us. It was the most heartbreaking and awful thing I have ever witnessed, watching this wonderful family say goodbye to the babies they had taken care of since birth.  How do you say goodbye to babies you've raised? How do you walk away without thinking of them every single day and night? How do you pass them off to another family, even if there is a family connection between them? Could you? I couldn't? It was a tearful and tender moment that we shared with the White family, when they said goodbye to their babies. We felt an honor to be given this responsibility. We vowed to the White family that we would stay in touch, we vowed to send pictures and keep them updated.  We vowed they would be a forever part of our family.  

My daughter was overjoyed to meet and get to know Kate and Kai, at 4 years old she already had an unexplainable love for them.  She knew they were her family, she felt that deep love, that deep connection @ 4!!  I wouldn't have believed it, had I not been here- but siblings have a bond that defies our understanding. My son on the other hand, was not so keen on sharing a room with a two year old.  He knew his world was changing and more responsibility was coming his way as the BIG brother. He didn't like it, he didn't want it, but he got it!  People asked us, will you adopt- if it was just me I would answer "If they became available to adopt" and Kevin's answer was always "Not sure, we'll just have to pray and see".  Within the first week of Kate and Kai being here, Kevin said something deeply profound to me. "What if we are only supposed to take care of them until they can be adopted and then give them to the White family to adopt?" WHA, WHAT? I immediately shot him down, "No, the White's gave them to us, they are Lottie's siblings.  We can't walk away from them" In my heart I felt this is my family, our family, why do you want to give them away?  They are a gift to us. But that profound statement, pressed on in my mind.  God has a way of making me deal with things by putting them in my face repeatedly.

In the beginning, I was in love with Kate and Kai- and like in any relationship that is new everything appears good and shiny and happy.  My responsibility was easy at first, well as easy as taking care of 4 kids could be. I loved being a stay-at-home mom, I loved a big family, I loved all that it encompassed. I loved the responsibility!   As the days went on, the trials and testing began.  The newness and the novelty began to wear off.  Brent, Lottie, Kate and Kai grew to love and hate each other and the fighting began.  The responsibilities turned into burdens as I felt tired and drained from lack of sleep.  I began to feel like I was in mommy jail, I couldn't leave my house and visit with the people I used to. I couldn't go to my bible studies or  get a sitter so I could go out.  I felt rejected by some family members and I felt isolated and abandoned.  Kevin struggled in his own way too, he internalizes a lot and so he spent a great deal of time isolated in our bedroom sleeping. Our life was officially changed.  It was a responsibility we had never anticipated or imagined.  We jumped from 2 to 4 kids and 2 were babies- what was I thinking?  I couldn't do this!  So I went to the one person who would listen to me, who knew what I was going through, the person who would comfort me and encourage me that I could get through this and I could do it.  That person was Jesus.  I began increasing my devotional time and my quiet time.  I began delving deeper into His word and His promises for me.  I began every morning with Him and everyday He gave me my daily bread and got me through.  

It was during this time that my ears and eyes were opened. God showed me that it was hard and it was difficult, but I was no different than so many other mother's out there.  I needed to work on getting my house in order.  I needed to be intentional about the way I was running my home.  I needed to find joy in living, not simply existing.God began to show me how I was forcing a square block into a round hole. I had taken God's simple instructions for us, our responsibility and added lots of extra work- by pitching the instructions. Our job was to open our home and hearts to Kate and Kai and love them while they were with us. They were not our kids, they were the White's kids, they belonged with them. Once I was able to let go of what I wanted and accept what God wanted, our life seemed to transition a lot smoother.  We were able to love freer and find our joy as a family. 

**Unfortunately, Kate and Kai did not get to be adopted by the White family and returned back to their biological father. I'll save that story for another day of blogging** It is with hindsight vision now that I can see where God was taking us, but in the beginning I THOUGHT I knew what God's plan was(without asking Him of course), but I have learned again, that my thoughts and ways are not His. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.Isaiah 55:7-9  

Though not in our way, our time or our plan- we accepted our new responsibilities and we wouldn't trade the who, the how, the why or the WHAT? for anything in the world.  I am humbled by the fact that He chose us, to love them, to take care of them, to help them transition during the loss of the White family. I am blessed that He used the time they were here with us to teach us more about love. We are heartbroken that they have left our family, but not our hearts. We hold fast that one day we will see them again, along with the White family. We praise God for the responsibilities God has given us as a family and we look expectantly to what more He will do.  For now we know that::

He is sovereign. Counting on God’s Rule to prevail.I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I’m king of the mountain! Habbakkuk 3:19 

He knows the plans. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12

He knows the outcome. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16b

He knows our heart and our anxieties Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139:23-24

When we feel a task is beyond us or if it is too big a responsibility, when we feel it is impossible that we can not do it He reminds us Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:25-27

Will they know we are Christians?

The older I get in my faith and the more knowledge I acquire about God, the more I truly begin to think about the true meaning of  the love from Christ and the less I know about everything in general.  I do not profess myself wiser in knowing about things of the world, but I do know that somehow God is transforming my heart and causing me to really think about things of this world in a new light.  These are few things that really have pulled on my heart strings as a Christian and I want to share them with  you, maybe you struggle too.

Heart Tugger #1: The Shootings in Colorado @ the Batman movie premiere.

I can not even begin to comprehend what went on in the mind of the people who were sitting in the theater, when that broken, damaged man came in and open fired on those innocent people.  My husband and I went to see Dark Knight Rising and when the movie began, I kid you not I stopped breathing for a moment and looked at the EXIT signs in the movie theater, my heart raced and I imagined for a brief moment- what would I do had I been there?  What thoughts would have ran through my mind?  How would I respond? Or even how would I have responded if my children were in that theater watching that movie?  As a parent- what fear would have gripped my heart?  But then I also wonder what would cause another human so much turmoil in his own head, that he thought this was something he needed to do?  What broke in this murder, that caused him to go over the edge and take others lives?  What evil causes a person to behave like that?  I realize while the rest of the world is angry and demanding justice- I am asking an odd question- but I wonder, I really do. 

Heart Tugger #2: The Shooting of the Sikh People during their worship.

This was shortly after the first incident, but it didn't nearly make the headlines or cause the controversy that the Batman premiere did.  Again another broken, damaged man walked into a Sikh temple and open fired on the people as they worshiped- as they worshiped.  Just typing this makes my soul heavy.  When I went to church the following Sunday I sat there and I thought to myself, what keeps a wounded soul from coming into our church today and not shooting us all up?  What is to prevent that from happening?  And the answer is this: Nothing, nothing keeps a person from walking into my church on any given Sunday, with a bomb strapped to their chest, from blowing us up because we believe in a God who they don't recognize.   I will also add that I was deeply ashamed by my own Christian community who failed to reach out to the Sikh people, like the Colorado people and offer them up in prayer  or offer to assist them during their time of grief.  I wondered, why?  Was it because they worshiped a different God?  Was it because they didn't share our faith?  and I started to get angry because I thought, after all aren't they still God's children?  

Heart Tugger #3: A certain denomination of church who proclaims to be Christians (who I will not name because I don't want to draw attention to them)

This is not new news, in fact this particular group has been around a very long time.  They are, in my opinion, very comparable to the KKK, only they proclaim to be Christians.  This group protest outside soldiers funerals during families times of grief- proclaiming their child died for an America that God hates and that is why their child died- because God is punishing them for defending our country. They picket all around the US using hateful hurtful signs- like God hates fags (which is even in their websites title).  They feel very strongly about the gay community and they have no issue spouting out their rhetoric and self- righteous judgement upon anyone and everyone.  My cousin sent me a message the other day, asking my opinion on this particular topic and how I felt about this group.  She said they were coming to her small town to picket a soldiers funeral.  I can't help but shake my head and bow it in shame-I think to myself what if Jesus were here today and he witnessed these people doing what they do, what would he think?  The Jesus I know did not preach hateful messages, he did not condemn anyone- in fact the very opposite-because we should all be condemned for our sins- he choose to die for our sins, freeing us from that condemnation.  He is the very definition of true love- and yet these poor lost "christians" have forgotten that message.  Sadly, I fear they are spreading hatred and even more dissension towards true Christians.  This is what the world sees and this is how we are judged.  

Heart Tugger #4: The Homosexual Community

My husband and I are licensed foster parents in the State of Ohio, and we spent the spring taking classes with other people who desired to be foster parents.  Some of those people were gay and lesbian couples.  This is something I have been going back and forth in my mind about- over and over, struggling with what I know to be true.  Here is my struggle a child (or children) is taken from a home because it is not a safe environment for the child.  One can not assume that it is drug and alcohol related, because one thing I have learned is it can be for a variety of reasons- some beyond the parent's control, such as serious illness and they are unable to care for their child and they have no one else to do it, job loss to the point where they are unable to provide for their family and are forced into this alternative, homelessness- again not because of a choice but due to life's issues and circumstances, death of a parent or caretaker. Fostering is not for broken children- it's for broken families.  Families who need someone to step in and share God's love with these children- to provide them shelter, to provide a home and love, to provide a temporary solace while their parents or caretakers  work to get their lives back together. 

Now I understand there are some children who are in homes due to drug use, domestic violence-etc. but those children above all need a safe home to stay in.  These poor babies need stability and security.  Recently we were asked to provide respite (temporary care) for a foster family who was going on vacation and were unable to take the child with them. It just so happens that the foster family was a lesbian couple, who were also in the process of adopting a child through the agency- while fostering two other children.  It was here that I was challenged as a Christian.  Lesbian couple's fostering and adopting children, where did my beliefs fall in this area?  I could sit here and tell you all the things I know the bible says about it, but I can also tell you all the things the bible says about sin period.  Homosexuality is a sin, but so is over eating, so is shopping addictions, so is hoarding, so is pornography, so is alcoholism, so is gambling, so is slander, so is gossip, so is malice, rage, envy and deceit.  I have been allowed to raise children even though I am obese- is it wrong to not allow two women to foster children and give them a safe home because of their sin?  Is it wrong to allow them to provide safety, security and love for a child because of their personal sexual preference?  I ask because I am asking...I am seeking...

God says to love the sinner and hate the sin. Sin is sin- I personally do not believe in levels of sin.  I have not found proof in the bible that there is one sin greater than the next, other than blaspheming and denying God.  I am not to judge mankind, yet the above heart tugging statements make me question and wonder so many things about our world.  

What would Jesus do?  

How would Jesus handle the guy in Colorado after the shooting?  I imagine if the shooter stood before Jesus and recognized who He was- he would fall to his knees and beg His forgiveness.  I believe this man's weeping would be so loud that the whole world would hear it....I believe Jesus has a broken heart, I believe it angered Him and saddened Him what happened in Colorado- but it also angered Him and saddened Him at what happened in the life of the shooter to make him that way in the first place.  I believe my Jesus would embrace the Colorado shooter and forgive Him.  I believe Jesus would be able to bring about this man's repentance without hateful hurtful condemning words- because no where in my bible does it say Jesus dealt with the sinners like that. Many a murderer existed and was forgiven by Jesus- look at the life of Paul, Jesus own apostle, who killed the Christians. Jesus changed him forever- why wouldn't He do the same for this broken man?

How would Jesus handle the shootings at the Sikh Temple?  I imagine the shooter facing the same Jesus as the Colorado shooter- and then I see my Jesus wrapping his arms around the Sikh people and comforting them.  I see Him reaching out to these people, and they become drawn to Him- drawn to His love- drawn to His kindness, drawn to His compassion.  They want to know this Jesus...this Jesus who wept with them during their time of loss.

How would Jesus handle the people who are affiliated with that certain church? (John 8:7-10) I imagine my Jesus being in front of  the crowd when they are shouting hateful things.  He then leans down to write in the dirt and stands before the condemners and says "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" and again  stoops down to write in the dirt. Slowly I see the signs of the self-righteous being thrown to the ground. One by one the protesters walk away, and where hatred and anger and rage existed- there is now Jesus' peace and holiness.

How would Jesus handle the homosexual couples who are fostering? (James 1:27) Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep onself from being polluted by the world; (Psalm 82:3) Defend the weak and the fatherless.  Would He approve of their lifestyle? No...Would he shout hateful words at them and chastise them like the church did?  Would he not love them like the murders in Colorado and Milwaukee? My Jesus has the power to change with love and kindness, again I believe when face to face with the Lord- any sinner would repent.  We all fall short-we are all full of sin...but next to Jesus how could we not be changed?

So if we are Christians, how do we represent who Jesus is? How do we hold still to our beliefs in what the WORD says and live our lives?  If you took a quick survey and asked others- how does the world see Christians?  What would they say???

Now take another survey but this time ask this question;

How do you think the world sees you?  Do they know you are a Christian by your love or by something else?